Friday, September 25, 2009

Tonight is not a good night.

Right now, right this very minute, the pain and sorrow I feel are over whelming.  I am trying not to cry but it makes my neck and shoulders hurt not to.  Everything I do these days is attached to Mary.  Not just the parties or scholarships just every day things.  The bracelets I wear 24 / 7 are a reminder yet I can't take them off.  Today I enrolled Cindy in Dance class.  She was SOOOOO excited.  I told her this was Mary's gift to her.  Gabe is going to Karate tomorrow as his gift from Mary.  I'm working on re-doing the back yard as Mary's gift to me.  I can't cry on my way into work because it's not just tears anymore.  It literally takes the breathe away from me, rather like hyperventilating.  And it hurts.  I sometimes wonder if I just ignored my feelings for 6 days and on the 7th let it all out if that would be better than feeling this way every single night.  Some people remove themselves from all reminders just to be able to live.  Will I have to do that eventually.  I feel like I'm turning Mary into a monument instead of a person.  When I see her face lately her smile burns its way into my chest and I can't stand it.  I don't even want to drink beer to forget the hurt.  I just want it to STOP.  I just want her BACk.

All the things I'm helping Julie with has Mary's essence around them. It should be her helping Julie, not me.  They were best friends, mother's aren't the same.  I keep wanting to say, "Mary would do it this way, or that's not what Mary would do".  I'm sure when it slips out it makes Julie feel bad that I keep comparing her to Mary.   Then I start wondering what it would be like if Mary were her and Julie wasn't.  Then all hell breaks loose for even letting my mind wander to that dark area.  I'm sure most parents have wondered what they would do if something happened to their child, just most don't think it would ever happen.  Actually I didn't consider it until Danny got sick.  Ever since there lives a little gremlin in the back of my mind.  NEVER did I ever consider Mary leaving me.  I don't know how people get through life when they've lost more than one child. I cannot fathom it.

Now I have to go to bed and try to sleep a little tonight.  I have to deliver the art work to GTF at noon and on to Dr. Leslie's.  My world seems to revolve around Mary.  Am I hanging on too tight?  Are other's not holding on at all?  What am I going to do?  How do I get through the rest of my life?   There are no quick accurate answers I know.  There are no guarantee's.  There's just life and it sucks right now.

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