Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Are we going to make it?

Are we going to make it?
What will it take to survive?

We hold on to each other
Afraid of letting go

Thinking of the things that could have been
Crying for why they're not

We are remembering, remembering
little things that make us smile
two friends whose daughters never met
now walk together forever in style

Walking forward for our families
looking back for memories 
we share our stories over again
grasping for some peace

Christine and I had dinner together at our little mexican place. We've been there several times just to meet and eat and talk about our children - all of them - We meet in many places every month or so, whenever the need for each other is great.

I think I've finally figured out why I can't go to the Compassionate Friends meetings or at least why I feel uncomfortable there.  Christine and I can share stories, we are part of each others lives.  We may not have a long history but some of our experiences we have shared together.  Those at TCF share a common experience but not together.  It's why we need people who know Mary and Rachael to keep telling us about their experiences with them.  Don't be afraid to talk about our girls because you think it will hurt us.  It doesn't, it makes us happy, ecstatic, alive to know they haven't been forgotten.  Not that we'd think you could ever forget them.  We just love to hear the stories.  Yes, we may cry but these are tears of love and laughter and joy because we are sharing them with the world.  Our tears of pain and hurt will be put off till later. 

I know TCF are a mainstay and a welcome shelter for many people.  I commend them for opening their hearts to others who are hurting.  But everyone is different.  Their combined pain is too great for me right now.  Maybe some day later. 

In my last entry it sounded like I said Mary's friends aren't mine and I didn't mean the way it came out.  They are mine NOW but I would much rather have her here with her friends than to have her friends here without her.  I know they would rather have her here too.  But I love them dearly, wherever they are because they are a part of her life.  They make her who she is.  The love of my life.  My whole family is the love of my life.

Nothing much happened in court this month.  We are waiting to see if this continuance to Dec 6th will be the actual trial or not.  Waiting, waiting to hurry up and wait.  Next court date is Nov 4th but it's for his ticket.  The more I wait the more I hate.... and the more I love those I need.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Here we go again

I went to my heart support group meeting after we got back from court.  The surgeon who will probably do Danny's transplant was a guest speaker.  We had a big group because of him.  People I had never met were there.  One man was also on the list again with the same problem as Danny but not for as long. One lady just got her heart 2 months ago. 

After Dr Vega left we talked about life things we were facing.  I usually don't like to bring up my life because I'll start crying no matter if I talk about Mary or Danny.  I hate crying.  But I was a little out of sorts with the results of the day so it sort of flooded out of me.  I didn't realize how many more tears I have inside that haven't come out.  I could have gone on for hours but they have their lives to live. I was really surprised at my self.  Guess I have a long way to go.

One friend there was close to the boy who died last August.  She said her calendar reminded her to call him on the anniversary of his heart day.  She has had her heart for 2 1/2 years. They were in the hospital together waiting.  But she said something interesting.  "His mother still talks about him as if he were still here".  That seemed to bother her.  "It's been awhile, shouldn't she be getting better?"   I think that's what started me on my water works.  But that was neither the time nor place to address that question. 

All those people, my friends, who have someone else's heart inside them have their own demons to conquer.  Danny included.  I hope I will never walk down their path but I'm in awe of each and everyone.  I have no business adding to their stress level.  I usually don't but this time I couldn't help it.

I still have visions of Mary in the crash.  Haven't figured out how to get by those.  It is reality.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Random Love

I really don't like writing anymore.  I can think of Mary in my mind more easily.  If it's a good thought there is no problem.  If it's a painful thought I can turn it off, ignore it and go on to something else a lot easier than if I'm writing about it.  So I force myself now to write this.  

I have realized that I am trying to live through Mary by being her.  I wear her shoes, some of her clothes, jewelry.  I am was getting down to her weight but haven't made it.  I've gained a few pounds because now my jaw doesn't hurt as much and I actually have an appetite.  I talk to Tony and imagine that Mary is somewhere with him. 

I made friends with many of Mary's friends. But many of those friends have moved away or moved on with their lives.  I have expected nothing less but it is still uncomfortable.  But I know under normal circumstances I would not be this close with her friends.  After all, they are her friends, not mine.  They are years younger, as well they should be.  We only have Mary in common.

I am smiling more lately.  Not sure why.  Danny noticed, not me.  

I can't do the fund raisers for Mary's funds anymore.  I don't know how I did the two that I did.  The third was Bonnie's and all of her visions for doing the same thing this year have never been mentioned. I don't know if I will be able to complete the scholarship funds either.  But I do have 4 more years.  We'll see.  I shouldn't have taken it on so soon after she left.  But I was grasping at straws.

Everything around the outside of my house has changed since last year and is still changing.  I'm helping them change too.  I guess this is good since it is for the better.  The inside of my house is slowly evolving but I still have all of Mary's pictures and stuff all over the house.

I found a friend from 30 years ago on facebook.  She and her husband came to our house for dinner one nite and we are going to theirs.  We still have a lot in common. Found another friend also but she hasn't actually talked to me.  Am I going backward in time on purpose?

I'm working longer hours than I have in months past.  Sometimes I want to sometimes it just happens.  But I still don't work at home more than 2 hours a month when I know I could get so much done if I did. 

Next Monday is the court date for Mary's case.  I'm still nervous about them filing motions to suppress evidence.  No, actually I am REALLY worried even though the DA said not to be.  

Danny's checkup was fine last week.  This weekend was a holiday and they did do a transplant yesterday.  But not Danny's.  

I'm tired of trying to do so many activities I used to want to do for to keep from feeling guilty that I don't or haven't done them.  I do want to give back, I'm just so tired, and a little aimless.  I just want to sit and vegetate for awhile.  Figure out myself.  No one is pushing me but myself and I'm trying to stop.

If life is so very random, how do you explain love.