Back to life such as it is

I probably should mention that on top of the holidays - regular life continues.  Danny got bit by a dog and some vessels have burst in my left eye.  His face has healed as expected and I can't see well out of that eye and have to go back the doc in a few weeks. Many other daily normal little things happened that happened in everyday lives.  I am not safe from life ... duh.... but they aren't as important or scary...nothing is anymore.  There is only one other thing that could break me the rest of the way and I won't even breathe it.

It's Christmas - whoopee...

Yep, it's Christmas.  I did fairly well buying gifts.  I even crocheted a few hats and neck warmers.  I didn't spend too much but more than I would have with Mary.  We had so much fun Christmas of 2008 (I will not say it was THE last christmas) making presents for each other.  I took lots of pictures I had of the kids when they were little (with Tony too) and put them in frames.  Mary found time somehow to sew and crochet. We were more excited to find out what the other person had come up with than opening the presents.

People say "Oh, thank goodness it didn't happen on a holiday.  It would have made that holiday sad every year".  Well, I'm hear to tell you that it doesn't matter what day of the year death happens.  Every day after that is sad no matter what.  Doesn't maker it sadder or better based on any event.  Even though I always comment that their wedding day was only 2 months away, it could have been the next day or on that day and it wouldn't have hurt any less.

I hung Mary's stocking between all of ours.  This time I didn't put any candy in it.  I'd just eat it and get fat.  We have about 30 stockings - Ann makes new ones each year for the kids.  I have the ones she made for my kids way back when.  Sometimes I can't decide which to use.  But the ones we have been used to for the last few years are sort of a match set for the three of them.  Got them at Ann's house when they were teenagers. Kerry's was the same green one he's used forever and I changed mine to something new.  Won't do that next year.  Danny couldn't figure out which one was mine so my presents from Santa were on the hearth.  boo hoo.

Funny how a little thing like stockings makes or breaks your morning.  I didn't have the umph to even make the sweet rolls.  We were supposed to go to Carol's this year.  Didn't make it last year.  She loves Christmas as much as Mary.  But the ice and snow stopped us.  So I sat in my jammies and watched everyone open their gifts and kept Mary's stocking in view.  The kids came in the afternoon and we had presents all over again.

I burned a lot of candles.  Had 18 going at one time.  Mary's candle is starting to crack so I have to watch that.  Sitting in the candle light is comforting a little.

What's different between this year and last?  I don't know exactly.  Resignation maybe?  Just sort of walked around like a zombie at times.  Saved the tears for night time.  That's not any different.

Where is the spirit?

I just cannot get in the mood for good tidings.  I put up decorations and they look blah.  But first I took everything out of my kitchen so I could repaint it.  I painted over the crackled paneling that Mary and I had such a good time painting several years ago.  Each stroke reminded me of the mess we made, the bad spots we laughed over.  I found all the places we were going to redo "later".  The whole wall behind the stove was where we were learning how to "crackle".  It looked worse than I remember.  But I painted over all of it.  Gave it a new look, a new face for the world to see.  

Then when I started putting things back in the kitchen, I looked at all the things that were in Mary's kitchen.  Some I use and some I don't but it felt good to look at them.  I probably had 14 cook books and only used maybe 3.  So I've moved some of those to another book case.  I hope it doesn't turn in to "out of sight, out of mind" or I might have to move them back in.  

So, now my house is a mess.  Kitchen stuff everywhere (I haven't finished reconstructing it) and Christmas stuff everywhere.  I don't think I'll leave the tree up till March this year.  Just don't have the will and I can't stand the mess.  Christmas ain't what it used to be.  I tried, I really did try to be happy for Mary but the nights weren't accommodating. And I can't take the "happy every after" Christmas stories on the Hallmark channel.

And I supposed Christmas hasn't been the same since we started waiting for another heart.  Accidents happen on holidays. They called Danny on Jan 2nd two years ago and a week after July 4th this year.  I hate that.

 

If I die young...

I finally figured out why I can't or don't want to make Mary's purses.  It's because she's not here to help me.  We made them together or rather I would help her when she was here.  I never did it alone.  I can't bare to even think of the memories of us working downstairs.  The one thing I can do is crochet hats like Mary's.  I guess because there are no memories.  I'm just trying to copy the ones Danny has.  I've almost got it down.  Takes a few hours though.

Watching the "Christmas" special shows on the Hallmark station are getting a little old.  Once I figured out that people don't really change all that much when life events happen, the stories all seem a little, well, empty.  Every story is about some person who has nothing who teaches some other person who has too much what love means.  Or vice versa. People just aren't that naive.  They are either mostly good or mostly evil. Maybe I'm getting too cynical.  Or maybe it just hurts too much.  When everyone is asleep and all is quiet, the smile fades, the tears form, the sadness comes, and my heart never stops hurting.

I heard this song on my way to work last Friday.  I cried the rest of the way.  This is for us both, Christine....


"If I Die Young"  by the Band Perry

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town says he'll, love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls