I'm feeling quite alone tonight, not sure why. The kids are here sleeping peacefully, actually everyone is sleeping except me. I started reading about J D Salinger and his books "Franny and Zooey" and "The Catcher in the Rye ". He was really in to Zen. AND.... he's still alive (at 90) fighting legal battles. He's got more energy than I do.
Everyday I see notices in the paper about other parents who have recently lost children. When I read about them I feel even lonelier and I'm not sure why. It's not that I want to be the only parent that's lost a child, and I don't want to be in a group of people all talking about my child while no one is listening because they are busy talking about their child (as they should be). I just wish I could understand what's in my head. And while I'm at my pity party, how do I reconcile the fact that in countries far away children are dying by the hour from hunger and disease and those parents don't really get a chance to sit around mourning (if the parents exist). They have to continue trying to find food for the remaining children. Have you ever been to a cemetery and seen 6 or 7 little, bitty, baby headstones all in a row from, say, the early 1900's? How in the world did that mother continue to live much less give birth to more and more children only to have them die, one after the other, year after year?
I get the feeling, especially at work, that I should be getting back to living and doing all the multitude of things I used to do. It's not that anyone is saying anything, it's just that I don't think I really ever realized how many emails I typed, questions I answered, projects I worked on, meetings I went to, queries I ran, problems I fixed, all at the same time. And it's not that I'm any great wizard at work, it's just that I AM TIRED of doing things that don't seem to matter to me anymore and there are so many freakin' things to do. They just keep piling up and I can't even get the ONE thing I'm working on finished. Then, of course, there is the fact that I'd much rather work on project for Mary. But even concentrating on those things is hard. What I want to do is sell everything, take the money, buy a 3 room house (kitchen, bath, and bedroom - necessities) and retire to do exactly what I want, when I want, where I want. I want to write but I need time (hours sometimes) to think. I want to paint, to draw, to sew, to play the guitar and piano. I know..... sounds like I want to do as much as I should be doing at work.
I'm really getting tired of my emotions always going up and down, loud and quiet, fast and slow. I know that chemicals in your brain control at lot of your emotions. Depression is an imbalance of these chemicals. Sometimes you're born with the imbalance, sometime situations create them and then they get back in balance. Regardless, I am not in control (me thinks) of the chemicals in my brain and it's pissing me off.
The hardships (?), tragedies (?), challenges (?) I've had in my life are NOTHING compared to what so many more people I know of have and are going through. And yet, people think that I am strong. Well, they are saaaaadly mistaken. I am the weak link in the chain. I want to snap and I don't know what's stopping me. I don't get any joy anymore from reading those cute little idiom's, quips, cliche's in those cute little books I used to read. All those things I'm doing for Mary I shouldn't be and all the things at work I should be doing, I'm not. I can't even finish a poem anymore. They are all incomplete thoughts that need more time or at least clairty. Just a bunch of garbled, jumbled words and feelings that are real but undefined. "Somebody help this boy".
I can see you laughing
I can see you smile
I can see you running down a country mile
I can love you forever in my heart and soul
I can see you talking in my video's
I play them when I’m when I’m anxious
When I need some peace and rest
When my mind is all a jumble and my spirit’s put to test
And I live for the day when life will become.......
My soul (heart) is broken forever
I can’t control what god only knows is going to happen tomorrow
So I sing for my life and I dance for my pay
And I hold you so close for another day
The world rushes on and then we are gone