Every morning I wake up to the thoughts below. Every day I ask my self why.
I sit in my library and stare at the bathtub lined with Mary’s half full shampoo bottles. I bake banana nut bread using her mixer and measuring glass. I see pictures of her wearing the shoes I now don or the shirts that are hanging in my closet or hiding in her toy chest down stairs. No matter what I use or wear of hers, no matter how long I stare at her picture, no matter if I could read her letters or emails from the past (which I can’t), it doesn’t ease the pain or make me feel any closer to her. It just doesn’t help at all.
She should be using, wearing, baking, playing, working, hiking, loving as she always did. As an outsider to this journey before 3/31/09, I never realized how watching the rest of the world carry on with their day (as they should be doing) caused such searing heartache for those traveling this road that I’m now on. It’s not jealously, not sadness, it’s almost pure hate.... hate that you get to continue life as it was and I have a hole in mine that no one can fix. And it’s not even the “why me?” syndrome. It’s more the “why NOT me?” question. If horrible things can happen to “anyone” and all seem to happen to everyone else, then, why not me? And now that it has, I hate myself for even visualizing the question that no one wants to ask. This esoteric, existential, gobly gook of thoughts WON’T GO AWAY. And for your sake, don’t tell me, god has a plan or there’s a reason for everything. There’s only one reason – free will.
See you in the after life…….
I’m not the person I thought I was and I’m not the person I used to be
I don’t know who I’m turning into but it’s not what I need to see
Laughter doesn’t come very easily
Sadness covers the sun
Happiness is unattainable
Sorrow follows my every move
I do the things I have to do to complete a trip around the sun
It really hurts to see life carrying on without her
It’s his fault alone, he did the dirty deed
But blame does not produce the peace I want
And peace does not replace the life that’s gone
And life keeps going on and on
It’s a mad, vicious circle of time without restraints.
I have to eat, I have to pee, I have to suck in breath
I want it to stop and rewind so new choices can be made
This shock, this unadulterated fear
of what’s next keeps me in my cage
It has the prickly pines of terror sitting on my shoulders
ready to dig in
as each second of the day drips by
I may plan for the future but I hold no
truth in what I see so the actions don’t
really mean a thing
My mask starts to melt sometimes with the
tears that burn their way out
this mask of strength, a pseudonym,
a nom de plume for lassitude, cowardice, and humanity
Don’t judge me or pity me lest you walk a mile
in my shoes and
you don’t want to do that