Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I am jealous

Do you know how hard it is to wake up each morning knowing Mary is gone and she was not able to help anybody else on the transplant list.  Something she talked about and thought about all the time. All the time I see stories about beautiful young lives lost that gave of themselves to help others live.  I blame him.  He killed not only Mary and our lives but as many as 8 other people who could have been saved by Mary.  Maybe more with tissues and such.  I see those families so happy (if you can be) in the knowledge that some part of their loved one is walking around this earth.  I am so freakin' jealous I can't stand it.  

And I just said jealous.  Maybe jealous isn't the word....  empty, heart broken, sad....  if I had any chance of seeing anything come out of this ridiculously cruel situation it would be to see something of her or know some part of her is still walking this earth helping someone else.

Talked to the DA today.  No trial in Sept. Just another 5 minute court date to postpone again.  His lawyer has filed motions to suppress the blood test taken at the scene and anything he said at the scene. The DA can't get the blood test taken at the TN hospital because of HIPPA.  Sept 13th will be a continuance till Dec or February.  We just might make that 2 year wait date.

Something in me is changing again.  It maybe my disposition.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I wish I understood myself

Went to work last Thursday with a good pacemaker and came home with a broken one.  It was supposed to last 20 more months.  But then nothing is as it should be anymore.  My surgery for replacement is tomorrow morning.  Danny is taking me down.  This time he'll be the "family member" - a new experience for him. 

Soooo... last Sunday I did what I haven't done in since Mary left. I got a pedicure and manicure.  The manicure I got talked into but it looks nice even though I don't have any nails.  I haven't gone to the nail place because it felt like I was enjoying life when I didn't want to nor should be.  But I went anyway.  I went to the same place Mary and Julie and I go.  Didn't have much fun but my feet needed the attention.  I sat there reprimanding myself for going but couldn't for the life of me figure out why I wanted to go.  The ladies started the idle chit chat you have with someone whose feet you are massaging.  "Do you live far from here?, Do you want sea salt? I remember you from a long time ago.  Do you have any children?"  That one stopped me.  I said yes, I have 3 and I named them with their ages.  But I didn't tell her about Mary.  Partly because I didn't want everyone saying "oh, you poor thing", and partly because I didn't want to burst into tears.  

The closer the trial comes, the more wound is widened.  Too bad for him it will never heal.

Ok - back to the nail place.  I wish I understood why I went there.  I have been avoiding it on purpose.  I know the owner and I'm sure he feels like I don't like him anymore.  I talk to him when I see him and I do think he's a really nice guy.  One day I can explain maybe.  My best guess is that it makes me feel like I've gone back in time before anything happened.  You'd think I'd want that feeling but I don't.  I want that feeling to be REAL but since it isn't I can't pretend. If other people talk about Mary it makes me cry but when I talk about her it's easier.  Haven't figured that out yet.  Maybe because it's on my terms. 

Getting my pacemaker changed always scared me a little.  But this time not so much.  If anything happens I'll get to see Mary.  But, I would leave all the rest of the people I love and I don't want that.  I want both. Let's just face it. I want my Mary back. 

I found a lady on FB who has written a book or books about facing death and coming out ahead.  About how strong you are when you have been through the unbelievable. "Becoming Bigger than Our Pain" is the name.  She lost two children, around age 2, seven years apart.   Everybody's story is different, everybody's pain is unbearable.

It's not that I don't enjoy things in my life, I just do it with a rain cloud over head.  Sometimes it's a thunderhead and sometimes it's a haze, but it's always there.  I don't know how to blow it away.  Don't know if I want to blow it away.

I didn't have Mary to call to tell her about my pacemaker.  So I called Tony.  He understood.

Now why did I get a pedicure when the whole time I felt guilty getting it?  I haven't a clue.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Too many questions

Last Thursday I found out that another transplant recipient has left us.  I say another because there have been others in the past year.  For many different reasons they are gone but most have to do with their heart.  This person was 2 years younger than Danny.  One minute he was talking to the paramedics and then next he was gone.  Just like that.  

You wouldn't believe the questions going around in my head.  Here goes...  Should his family look on the bright side and be thankful for the 3 extra years he lived after his transplant or be pissed this happened? After all life seems to be a second to second process.  Do I worry about Danny? Every second of every day.  Do I get tired of worrying? Every second of every day.  Do I wish it would all go away?  Yes, but that won't make it so. Does it help to worry? Not much but I can't turn it off.  Is this because I have the ability to love or that I care about my fellow man?  How can a person not have a conscience?  How can a living breathing "human being" hurt anything living and breathing?  I don't know but they sure can.  Is this free will?  If god doesn't stop bad things from happening then how can he be "watching" over us and taking care of us?  I think he's just watching.  Wonder what he thinks of his creations.  And, no, you don't know what he thinks no matter what other people tell you.  Maybe I'd be better off or happier if had a IQ of 87 or lower.  When I worked with mentally challenged kids they all seemed to be so happy with who they were, no worries. What you don't know can't hurt you? Maybe they just let others worry for them.  Maybe they are smarter than I think.  But I don't want to give up what I have in life.

Each one of the thoughts above could generate it's own book.  Every person probably has thoughts just like this all the time.  Why do I have the urge to put it on paper?  Why do I try to comb out this tangled mess of random thoughts? 

Add all this to the thoughts of Mary all day long and my brain gets fried.  Why Mary?  Why not me? Is life that random?  Does this show that there is no "pattern" to life? Do those people who tell you "there is a reason why things happen, you just can't see it yet.  God is in control." say that just to make you feel better when shit happens?  If someone else is in control then you have someone to blame or rather you don't have to blame yourself.  You don't have to take responsibility for your life.  Well that just sucks. 

I found a post by an evangelist who couldn't understand why all the prayers for his wife's cancer wasn't healing her.  He said he finally realized that not all prayers are answered.  Ya think???

And this is the tip of the "crazies" iceberg.