Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The beach vs the forest

More on my lists....

I wear Mary's silver necklace every day. If I forget get it I feel naked.  I haven't forgotten it in a long time.  I wear what I think is one of Mary's stretchy soft shirts as my night shirt.  I can't tell for sure if it's the same one in the picture I have but it looks like it. I don't want to dig too deep because if it's not, I'll be sad.  This way I feel close to her every night.  

Every night I go to sleep thinking of her.  Sometimes it's just her smile but most times it's either the crash or seeing my self at the trial telling the judge and that man EXACTLY what I think of him.  Once in awhile it's Tony and Mary together.  So, I go to sleep with the TV on so I'm not concentrating too hard on the past.  I've even begun to go to bed earlier now that the TV's fixed in the bedroom.  I haven't dreamed about Mary in a long, long time.

I use Mary's gardening tools, her gloves (yes, with all the holes in them - well used), basket, clippers, etc.  We took a lot of garden stuff with us last year.  Tried to transplant some mint but it didn't take.  Bought some at Walmart and I hope it lasts.

I still have some of Mary's kitchen things - like saran wrap, brown sugar ("all natural" and so far un-opened), aluminum foil.  I have some of Mary's coffee cups (or tea as she would say), tea bags, salt and pepper shakers, spices ("all natural"), even trash bags (big ones for the garage).  

When you walk into a home that was being lived in just days earlier it's very hard not to want to take every thing and I mean EVERYTHING just as it is to preserve it forever in case the family who lived there comes back.  You want to preserve their hopes and dreams so they will come true.  It hurts immeasurable to see pictures of the house with all the smiling faces sitting around.  Christmas's, birthdays, family visits, all preserved in pictures. Might as well be frozen in ice in the Arctic circle glaciers or at the bottom of the ocean like the Titanic. 

I've been watching a little of the TV series "Obsessed" about people with OCD.  There are a few behaviours or responses to situations that I can relate to.  I've never thought of myself as obsessive before - am I acquiring that behavior?

Tony called me on Saturday. Neither of us mentioned what day it was.  Although Sunday was actually the 20th, Saturday is the day we remember.  I have to say I admire Tony for moving to Alaska.  He took the bull by the horns and did what they were going to do together - and he did it with only a memory, a vision of what it could have been.  He didn't shy away from it because Mary didn't go with him like I probably would have done.  Maybe all the running he did across America last summer and fall, and the sitting and "rotting" his did last winter made him strong enough to go.  And I don't mean go "forward", just go on.  Big difference.

I am still stuck walking that beach while the waves wash over my feet and Tony has gone into the forest with Danny and everyone else.  But, I can still see a few figures up the coast on the edge of the beach.     

Friday, June 18, 2010

Still more....

This weekend is Mary and Tony's anniversary. Need I say more. 

Thursday, June 10, 2010

More and more

To continue with my list – I avoid romantic movies – they make me uncomfortable even watching for a few minutes.  They make me sad.  If I even see an advertisement for anything to do with a wedding, on TV or paper, it makes my stomach hurt. If someone starts talking about a wedding I turn away and change the subject.  I will probably keep Mary’s dress forever. 

I can’t get rid of any of Mary’s cookbooks I have in the kitchen even though I don’t use them.  Whenever I look at them I smile.  She loved to cook.  She loved most everything she did. 

I avoid going downstairs where all her stuff is.  When I have to get something I hurry. If I stop to look around I end up staying too long and it hurts. 

I hate the fact that when I’m at work I concentrate so hard on my work that I don’t even see Mary’s picture on my desk.  Makes me feel like I’m pushing Mary away when I finally realize I haven’t thought of her for more than 5 minutes.  I hate using the word “HER or SHE” instead of Mary.  It’s so impersonal.

Lately I’ve been NOT planning any parties and not thinking about the funds at UGA.  Just more reminders that Mary isn’t beside me. 

When Cindy talks about Mary, at 11 years old she has a much easier saying that Mary’s d..e..a..d than I will ever have.  I can’t even say the word.  I say she’s gone for awhile.

As the world around me goes on it drags me with it.  I laugh, I play, I go to movies, garden, clean house, paint.  I do all the normal things but with every second that slips by my heart is heavy with sadness.  Sometimes people can see it, sometimes not.

That man was seen pumping gas into a brand new car yesterday.  The mere fact that he is walking around makes me physically sick.  Wish I had seen him – I do believe I would have slashed his tires if I’d had the time.  I avoid thinking of him as much as I can because he makes me feel evil when I think of all things I’d like to do to him.  I don’t think I am a vengeful violent person but I am turning in to one in my mind.  The more I think about what I’d do to him the easier it becomes to keep seeing myself doing it and then I realize I’d be no better than he is.