Wednesday, September 16, 2009

IT.....What is IT?

I’m changing once again.  I don’t want to be touched or hugged unless I initiate it first.  It almost feels like a burning sensation.  My circle of personal space, as it’s called (I think it’s supposed to be a 3 foot circumference around you), it growing bigger.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate the gesture of comfort.  I think my “personal space” has been invaded without my consent and I highly resent it.  He did this to me.  He created the condition in my life, the unwanted dependence upon others, that required physical attention just to exist.  It’s Mary that I really want to hug, touch, feel, hold, not anybody else.  However, I don’t want to let go of my immediate family – I’m too huggy.
This is a very strange sensation because I’ve always been a huggy person.  It’s no one’s fault but his.  I’m afraid this growing circle will alienate me from those I love and care about.  Maybe it will change again. 
Which makes me ask the question, what exactly are we in control of?  (I was taught never to end a sentence with a preposition but I couldn’t think of any other way to say it.)  Everything you think you are controlling, you’re not.  I can walk or run as I want but I may fall at any moment and break a leg.  That probably won’t happen you say, but watch out, never say never.  I’ve said it two too many times.  Every action you take can have an equal and opposite reaction that puts you out of control.  I can write when I want.  But the computer may die or the power go out.  It’s happened.  I can use a pencil until the point breaks.  I could stick myself and write in blood, but we won’t go there.  I can pee when to I want but sometimes I pee when I don’t want to.  Yep, you too I bet.  How can Mary drive hundreds of miles from northern Va and make it home safe when driving 30 miles she makes it within 3 miles of her home when he takes control of events?
Am I being a pessimist?  A defeatist? A skeptic? Or a realist?  Is my cup half empty or half full?  It used to be half full but now it think it’s been flat out drained.  I’m waiting for someone, somewhere to fill it up again.  Or at least lead this horse to water.  Or what’s the other saying....teach me how to fish again.
I’ve been collecting donations for the raffle for Mary’s party.  People have been most generous, most amazing.  Even the ones who were not able to contribute were kind enough to just listen to me talk about Mary.  I know one day I’ll be talking about Mary and someone will say “give it a rest” and I’ll say “f*%# you” and go on my merry (!) little way.  But eventually less and less people will even realize that Mary existed.  Each year the nation remembers the victims of 9/11.  I’m not sure the families of the victims really understand how great a gift it is to have the nation, the world, remember those they have lost.  There are small groups, communities of parents who have buried children that get together to remember their children.  But to have MILLIONS of people remember.....
“9/11” is now in the dictionary.  There are hundreds of books written about the event.  I’m not begrudging the survivors their memories.  I cried for days after it happened, for people I didn’t know.  I’m not sure if it’s jealously.  Death is a horrible thing to be jealous of.  I guess the same could be said for all the wars we’ve had.  The nation remembers those who gave their lives for our country.  But then, Mary and the 9/11 victims didn’t “give” anything.  Their lives were ripped out of their control (that word again).  I guess it would be nice to have a positive ‘out of control event’ happen.
Actually there are some things I do have a positive attitude about.  Otherwise I might drown in a sea of self pity.   
“Poor, poor, poor me.     Poor, poor pitiful me”.

IT……What is IT?
You hurt
You cry
You shut it out
You try to push it away
But it won’t go
It haunts
It claws
It never lets go
But you keep pushing
You see
You watch
You close you eyes
You try to ignore it more
But it won’t leave
It stares
It stalks
It pursues your steps
But you keep ignoring
You sniff
You smell
You hold your breath
You try to run away
But it won’t fade
It stinks
It rots
It follows your flight
But you keep running
You touch
You feel
You hide your hands
You try to wash it away
But it won’t depart
It grabs
It clings
It holds on tight
But you keep washing
You eat
You taste
You close your mouth
You try to spit it out
But it won’t melt
It bites
It burns
It’s bitterness clings
But you keep spitting
You listen
You hear
You wear head phones
You try to drown it out
But it won’t fade
It screams
It explodes
It probes your thoughts
But you keep drowning
It doesn’t bleed
It doesn’t starve
It doesn’t suffocate
It just watches you suffer

No comments:

Post a Comment