Monday, September 14, 2009

Kaleidoscope eyes

Looks deceive, and sometimes that’s exactly what we want them to do.  Ever had a day where you hoped you didn’t look like you felt?  Then they also say that whatever is inside you always find its way to the surface.  I wish they (who ever they are) would make up their minds.  Sometimes I think I’m putting on a pretty good show for everyone and the next minute I don’t give a crap what people think about my disposition.  I’m lucky to be walking at all.  I do find myself snapping at people, short tempered with my family, screaming at the non descript figures in the cars around me.  Guess I’m just basically pissed at the world in general.  How dare life continue without Mary.  How dare I keep plugging along without Mary. 
A day, a month, a year, five years, 20 years, it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since the last day I saw Mary, I know the longing, the emptiness, the heartache will never go away.  Because that’s what those that walk my journey tell me.  You don’t ever get off this path.  I can’t say the going gets easier because it hasn’t for me.  It just changes, like a kaleidoscope view changes but the stuff inside is always the same.
I’ve put up shelves downstairs to hold all the things that are Mary’s.  She has pretty much moved from NC to here.  She lives all over downstairs.  I’ve put her pictures on the walls, her art supplies and fabric are in little cubbies so I can use them.  I found her UGA diploma today.  I think I’ll frame it.  The more things I do that are about Mary the more alive she remains.  I will not give that up.
I was watching Benny and Joon for a few minutes and had to turn off the TV.  I started watching it because I like the actors.  But then they showed a car crash scene and their parents were on stretchers and someone covered their heads because they were DEAD.  I never watch movies that depict real events because they are usually sad.  Very few “happy go lucky” movies make it to the big time.  I don’t like crying at sad movies because I have all the drama I need in my own life.  I wish someone would tell the TV movie makers to warn me before they show sad things.  So I flicked the TV off, took a deep breath, and ate something.  I love eating Death by Chocolate ice cream from Kroger.  ( If this was a movie or a book that would be a “plug” – and well worth it!).  It has got to be the best damn ice cream ever made.  I eat a big bowl of it every night.  I can down 2 or 3 half gallons a week (with a little help from the kids).  You’d think I’d weigh a ton. 
Julie is going for an MRI on her head tomorrow morning.  If anything else happens to my kids you can just write me off.  I would in the past tell her that “it’s probably nothing – the doctors are just following the normal process for people who have had a migraine headache for over 9 months”.  But I can’t today.  I can’t proclaim mother’s intuition at all anymore.  I will just hold her hand and see what happens.  
I can’t see into the future
Like I could when you were young
I could tell you what would happen
If you tried to touch the stove
I could warn you not to do that
And you’d listen to my voice
You’d do exactly as I said
There was no other choice
But today I don’t have mother’s eyes
Just a hand for you to hold
So when your heart is heavy laden
I will try to be a good safehold.
I can’t see into the future
Like I could when you were young
I have to let you go your way
And finish what you’ve begun
I will always share my heart with you
Whether need or nod is called for
But I cannot alter the wrong you bear
My certain answers are no more
Today I don’t have mother’s eyes
Just arms to hug you tight
So when your heart is heavy laden
I’ll walk with you into the night.

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