Undefinable Peace

Facebook is a very strange and alluring animal. You get a little peek into everyone’s life of those who’ll let you in but not enough to truly understand what’s going on. Sort of like the beginning of a movie, except this one never ends. It connects me with my friends but it constantly reminds me that life is indeed moving on, with or without me. Sometimes I just let it go on by, don’t read anything for days. Then when I do, tons of my friends have sent me hearts, candy, food, hugs, all that FB stuff, reminding me that they know I’m lagging behind and are waiting for me to catch up. Guess I’m just walking a little too slow for the world. But they are walking slow for me.

Today Cindy asked me “do you think Mary really died before she was burned?” Kinda took me off guard. So we started talking about the crash site. I do not, and will not, call it an accident. It was an intentional, willful act of irresponsibility, stupidity, and total lack of caring. It is, as the law states, “vehicular homicide”…..that’s a nice way of saying murder.

Anyway, she wanted to know if Mary could have survived the crash without anyone knowing it and was alive but then was cremated. So, I explained the chronological order of events. We did not tell the kids about Mary until the Friday before her party. They were in school and we wanted them to continue as normal as possible even though their mommy was at Grammy’s house and not at home. I stared crying a little while I was telling her and when I turned to face her she asked “Why is your nose red?” (a family trait). She hugged me and said, “Don’t cry Grammy. I don’t want to make you cry. I won’t ask anymore questions”. I told her she can ask me anything she wants to ask but along with answers sometimes come tears because I miss Mary so much. But I love talking about Mary and I want her to remember Mary forever. She asked if I went to see Mary before she was burned and I told her no because I wanted to remember her as the beautiful, happy, loving person she was. Not what she looked like with her body all broken and hurt after the crash. I told her Mary’s ashes were in a can decorated with lots of dancing ladies dressed in long dresses all around the sides. It goes along with the “I hope you dance…..” song from her party. Cindy loves to sing and dance and is constantly humming something if she isn’t talking.

I showed Anna a picture of Julie and Mary with Anna strapped to her back climbing the trail near Mary’s house. Anna called out Mary’s name when I asked “who is that”, without any coaching or anything. She hasn’t seen her in 3 ½ months, the longest it has ever been in her life, and she hasn’t forgotten Mary’s face.

Tony and Nicole are still in Wyoming and scattering Mary far and wide across the mountain tops. I truly hope he can find some peace amongst the trees and clouds. I hope I can, too. I hope we all can.


UNDEFINABLE PEACE

Peace is a river running through my soul
Sometimes it's raging, sometimes it’s cold
And sometimes the rapids are too big to control

Peace is a mountain guarding the night
Not to be scaled to its endless height
And not to be skirted in the twilight

Peace is a rainbow whose end you can’t find
Always teasing and tricking my finite mind
Constantly changing its colors entwined

Peace is the moonlight serene and pale
Covering me gently like a shadowy veil
Only to have sorrows' darkness prevail

Peace is a rain drop, so small and so pure
One changes nothing while too many obscure
The sound is calming but doesn’t endure

Peace is a willow rustling in the wind
Bending and twisting ready to transcend
Never stopping or resting until the end

Peace is a butterfly that never alights
Always dancing and swaying just like a sprite
And this is the reason I just sit and write.