Some vague ramblings

“Resources for the Newly Bereaved” - this is a reference book on the Compassionate Friends sight. IS there an "Oldly Bereaved"?
Remember the movie “Beetle Juice”? There’s a book in the movie called “Guidelines for the Newly Deceased”. Wonder if there really is a book like that.

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I don’t seem to be able to get beyond the current hurdle/road block on this journey. I can’t see beyond the fact that Mary will always be 28. I’ll grow older, watch the kids graduate, move to a new city, break a leg, cook dinner for 40 people, whatever….. I will continue to get older and she won’t. Is this a good/bad thing? Memories will always have the same smiling face even when she would be 60 with gray hair.

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I just keep doing things that have nothing to do with her life just to get through the days. How many years can I keep doing that? If I stop for even a second the memories overpower me and I fall apart. If I’m doing something directly related to her like looking at pictures or going through her things, I can last for a few minutes before the insanity of reality hits. Then I have to stop.

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It’s storming out tonight. The mighty and threatening thunder is voicing my feelings for me. The rain is the tears I have yet to shed.

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I was shopping at Walmart last weekend (Mary did not like to shop at Walmart much but she went with me when I’d go.) and ran into a neighbor I hadn’t seen in quite a few years. She lives down the road a few houses from me. What does that say about my neighborly condition? I think there are quite a few people living in our neighborhood that have been here around 30 years like we have. I only know 2 or 3 of them. And it’s NOT a big neighborhood. That should embarrass me, but somehow I don’t think it does. Life is complicated.

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As I watch TV or read a book or article I am drawn to ordinary every day words that jump out at me. These words are common and normally you read right by them. But now they cause instant prickles down my spine. They feel out of place on my tongue.

order, comprehend, prepared, change, stop, time, continue, safe, protect, future, plan, happy, trust, justice, peace, reason, positive and the list goes on and on and on

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I cannot feel
I do not speak
Truth is unreal
So I do not think