Many years ago I was visiting a very close friend when she was informed by phone that she lost her sister. She was killed by her husband. Their religion did not accept divorce and so her sister was told to try to “work things out” with her husband, that was the woman’s place. My friend immediately disavowed her religion and turned to one that believed in reincarnation. I did not understand back then. I do now. Unfortunately, we lost touch with each other shortly after that. I have never forgotten the look on her face or the eerie wail her soul burst forth when she listened to the message. I often wonder if she ever found her sister again. I have looked for her name off an on over the years. She had a daughter two years before I had Julie.
I think I’m stuck in a rut right now. I started listening to music on my way to and from work. Mary and I liked much of the same country sounds so many of the songs remind me of her to the point of tears but I listen anyway. I like the volume up loud to drown out other sounds – mostly my singing – and it helps me not think about the crash. I just can’t get that picture out of my mind. When I’m not listening to music and it’s quiet in the truck thoughts hound me – Mary is gone….Mary is dead….You’ll never see Mary again….etc. It’s almost like someone is stalking me and reminding me, lest I forget (ha) that my life is forever different and can never be relied on again. I can get pretty pissed off arguing with myself but then, almost like a tidal wave, the feeling of loss, that horrible, explosive feeling I felt at 2:30am on March 31st when the police said “there’s been an accident”….crashes down and I’m gasping for breath, shaking my head and saying to myself, No..No..No.. If people in other cars actually took the time to look at me in this state they might call 911 and report someone having a seizure. THAT’S why I wear sunglasses all the time.
It is true that when I am so busy doing everyday things and “taking care of business” you don’t have time to be sad. But the second the business stops, it all pours in, concentrated like clothes detergent, and it’s almost to much. I don’t want to force myself to create busy-ness just so I won’t feel the pain. I know some people do get through life this way. I don’t want to. I want to be able to relax one day.
I can even be comical at times now, and get very animated about current situations in my life. But after the initial conversation, when you pause for thought, my shoulders sag, my face frowns, and I go right back to “that place”. I know my friends can see it when we are together. And I feel bad for them having to look at me this way.
We are definitely going back to NC this weekend. Just couldn’t get going last weekend. What’s left at the house now is like leftovers on the turkey carcass. Not really part of Mary, just pieces of the togetherness they once shared. Maybe it would have been easier for me if Tony had stayed in the house and all her things were still there. He couldn’t and if I were him I probably couldn’t have either. But, Kerry’s dad kept all his mother’s clothes in the closet till long after he remarried and divorced and moved back in to the house. To each his own.
I saw the flowers in your yard today, their scent just like perfume
Herbs and peppers in your garden by the road are growing strong
The cherries and the apples have loaded down the trees
But your house is cold and dark and lonely now that you’re gone
My friends are here to comfort me, I see their out stretched arms
The sun shines bright and the rain refreshes this soul of mine in need
Cookies baking smell of memories made, children’s laughter fills the air
Love is all around me but still I feel an abyss so deep it’s frightening
I listen to your favorite songs on the radio with tears in my eyes
Loud music will sometimes vanquish the ache that hurts beyond words
I go out with friends and talk a lot, mostly about you and life before
But I don’t surrender to the reality that you are now an echo deferred.
Someone has cheated the world of your goodness and smiling face
It was not “life”, not “god”, not “fate” but none, for you, have intervened
Someone made a terrible choice, too horrific to completely grasp
And so the world is a sadder place and the lives destroyed, scream.