Sunday, July 5, 2009

Holidays suck

Holidays suck. I used to hate the work suck. Now it defines my very life at this moment. So, does that mean that at the very next moment it will change? Get better? Get worse? What are the words I write? Definitions of the moment, prophecies of the future, or just a whole pile of bull shit that I come upon on this marvelously sucky adventure.

My holidays are spent waiting for Emory to call because more accidents happen on holidays than at any other time. Remember the call on January 2nd? Someone had a really sucky New Year’s eve or day. I wonder if a drunk driver who dies in the wreck with the person who he killed gets to donate his organs? I wonder if that makes his soul feel any better about the devastation he has created? I wonder when you get to the other side if you even remember what you did on earth? I wonder if he dies if he gets that “trench warfare” moment of repentance and is saved for all eternity? I wonder what would happen if I were god and I said” oh no, my fine fellow, you are going straight to hell. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.” You made your choice. Isn’t murder a sin?

Ok, ok, back to holidays. Try enjoying Christmas with those thought rattling around in your head. How do you “pray” for a heart for Danny when you know someone else is “praying” for just the opposite. That’s why I quit praying. I do not pray for life, I just let it happen. Then I complain about the bad times. Yes, I could make a choice to put on a smile, make lemonade out of the lemons in my life. But, I can’t.

I could write chapters of what the 4th of July was like with Mary but I won’t bore you with the details. Suffice it to say it was much happier.

This 4th of July was spent at the poolside of our friends. We floated in the water, tried not to get burnt, had a cookout, and talked for hours. Tony and Nicole were on the Michigan peninsular trying to stay warm. This is probably the first Peachtree Roadrace they have missed in years. His family is just as ripped apart as we are. I read about another family who lost their two preschool boys in a car wreck. The article didn’t mention anything to do with alcohol. I wonder which life is worse, mine – having someone to avenger my anger upon for ever, or theirs – just having to live with an “accident”. Neither is very appealing.

Yep, holidays suck.

I’m moving kinda slow today
Can’t quite see the rainbows between the tears and sunshine
Nothing’s making sense anymore
Just for a moment things were straight, but now they are askew

Every day the pain is there
Making me think it’s never going to get any better
People say it won’t go away
Just gets different as time rolls thoughts into memories

I don’t want to live on a memory
I don’t want to live on a chance
I want to see her walking in front of me
Dancing on a grassy field of love and romance

I’m tired of making excuses
Saying I’m fine when I’m really just a shell of thanksgiving
They don’t know what to make of me
So I pretend for the living that I’m carrying on with grace

I walk the steps each day
Moving along the path that someone else designed
I don’t look left or right
Just keeping focused waiting for reality to be erased

I don’t want to live on a memory
I don’t want to live on a whim
I want to see her sweet smiling face
Looking at me to break me out of this trance

I’ve never had a prayer be answered
It’s all been smoke and mirrors
But if it were that easy
I could have her life back and we could all be friends.

I don’t want to live on a memory
I don’t want to live on a question

No comments:

Post a Comment