Monday, July 20, 2009

Trust in who?

Last week was very uncomfortable for me, mentally and physically. I tried to write but happenings just kept bogging me down. I felt way, way out of control, not that I’ve had any control over anything in quite some time. My shoulders ache and feel like they are in a vice. Sometimes I can’t catch my breath when I think about my life. I still cry at inopportune moments. Walking up to the office one morning I saw a friend and burst into tears on her shoulder. Maybe we kid ourselves into thinking we have control over what we do. We make plans for the day, the weekend, next month, next year…. Right now the only thing I can think of that I currently have control of is what I put in my mouth. I do eat a LOT of dark chocolate and what my grand kids call “grammy’s coffee”. There’s no guarantee and no one to keep us safe but trust in our fellow man. Doesn’t make you feel very comfortable, does it? Think about it when you are driving down the road at 65+ miles an hour inches from the car beside you. I try to stay as far away from other people as I can.

I had to find some answers last week to calm myself. So I started with the DA in NC. No news on the blood test. The hearing on Aug 17 will probably be all of 10 minutes because she (the DA) is 100% sure he will plead not guilty. She told us that in May and my mouth fell open. How do you plead not guilty when you killed someone? His lawyer will attack the evidence, not defend the act. But they are ready for him. The grand jury will convene in Sept or Feb (depending on the arrival of the blood test) and the trial will be Sept 2010. I can’t decide if I want to go. I don’t know if I want to see him yet. I’m afraid I’ll have dreams about him instead of Mary.

Then I moved on to Danny’s doctors. I had so many questions about antibodies, their causes, his levels, and what can be done that we have an appt with his surgeon at his next checkup. Haven’t talked to him in 4 ½ years except at transplant functions.

Next call was to my cardiologist to find the results of the echo’s they did on me. I’m fine. Same old murmur I’ve had for years. They just give them very fancy names now. I have a small “mitral valve regurgitation”. Pacemaker change in two years. I did find out that now my upper chamber is pacing also, about 40% of the time. That was news to me.

And on to Julie and the kids. Cindy is almost as tall as I am. She will be by the end of 5th grade I’m betting.

Lastly, I didn’t get to hold on to Mary as much as I wanted to because of all the other stuff going on. Some might say that’s a good thing but I think it horrible. I am still unboxing and repacking her things from our last trip up there. I keep going through her things looking for something but I’m not sure what. Just touching them makes me smile and cry at the same time. I’m finding more of her artist friends are going to donate their work to GTF in Oct. I wish I could get more excited. Maybe the closer Oct comes.

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