Times two

I'm splitting in two (or is it 'to'?).  I can feel it a every day goes by.  I don't cry but I don't really smile.  I do if someone says something that's supposed to be funny.  Don't want to hurt their feelings.  

I'm also starting to sink into the sand in my desert.  The little glassy spots are their.  I guess they are stepping stones, a path to take if I want.  But my feet are covered by the sand and it feels warm and comfy.  The air is getting a little chilly. 

Now come the 'what if's'.  

The first one I've been thinking about is 'what if Danny's brain was still active and alert and he was screaming inside his head not to give up?'  I mean, no one has ever come back from being in his situation, really come back.  I realize you have to have oxygen to feed the brain but they were giving him oxygen and beating his heart for him.  They didn't have him on any pain meds or knockout stuff.  And there I was holding on to him screaming 'come back', 'don't go', and he could have been saying 'help me - I don't want to go'.  Then they just stopped because there was nothing they could do to keep his body going.  But what about his mind????   I told Mary to push him back, not to let him go to her.  We weren't ready.

So, I have to split myself in half to function. Danny is on his side of the house, in the bathroom or sleeping, or listening to music, or writing songs, - I could go on and on.  I have never gone this long not kissing his cheek or holding his hand.  It's very hard to look at pictures too.

One of me is here, wanting to go shopping and paint, and the other just wants to curl up and sleep.  Neither of me can cry - IT HURTS SO BAD.

Now, I have to take care of my hubby.  He is my strength.  I have none.