Differences

So many things are different from when Mary left.  I remember being unable to do most anything without falling apart.  I cried myself to sleep for months.  I cried to and from work for months.  Thanksgiving was 8 months later and still nothing tasted any good.  I didn't eat much for many months after that.  Christmas was a total disaster.  We didn't get a tree until probably the 23rd of December.  I didn't get any decorations down.  The kid hand made them.  I started seeing my grief counselor in September because I could not do anything at work or home.  I guess it was partly the raw anger that made it so hard.  We we going to court every few months and he still wasn't in prison.   When I was finally able to go out to dinner with friends and I would have one small drink sometimes.  Then I would end up in the bathroom crying, calling Danny just to hear his voice and tell him I was sad.  Now I call Tony.

Thanksgiving this year was empty.  Good food, good company, but lonely.  I only shed a few tears at night before going to bed.  I do not cry much but don't ask me anything about Mary or Danny.  I cannot guarantee the out come.  So, I just ignore the pain and loneliness.  I knit or crochet scarfs and hats.  I am afraid of Christmas.  Once again I know I should decorate a tree for the kids.  So this year I will leave it up entirely to Julie.  I have already bought some presents for everyone.  I'll give Danny's to Amber.  She'll like it.  I have one more present to buy Kerry.  I really would just like to skip Christmas but that would be rather hard.  Unless I leave the country.  I like being around the doggies too much.

I told my boss I would help him in December.  I hope I can keep that promise. So much life has been sucked out of me that it's hard to face Danny's life long wish.  

I have to notify people and places that he can be removed from their list.  I know I have to do this and I will next week.  I'll just paint some more pain varnish on my soul and pick up the phone.  Better now than closer to Christmas.  

We are home from Carol's.  The time since I last talked to Danny is starting to grate on my nerves.  He's usually not gone for longer than 3 or 4 days at a time.  I thought I could ignore it longer.  Sometimes it feels like it's been 2 days and sometimes like he's sleeping on his side.  Now it's starting to feel vacant.  

I still haul both my phones around with me waiting for Emory to call.