Thursday, November 17, 2011

Focus, focus

I have to focus on everything else but Danny.  He is off visiting.  I am able to go down to his room because I have to let the doggies out his back door.  But if I stop to look around or go touch the stuff on the floor or look in his room, I get an immediate stomachache.  Even thinking about it now causes knots.  Laying in bed trying to go to sleep takes me back to the hospital.  Then I cry.  So I go to sleep with the tv on and turn it off after I fall asleep a few times.  I have not dreamed about Danny and I do not particularly want to.  I have dreamed about Mary several times.  I would have given my soul away to have dreamed about Mary when she left but I didn't for many months.  

My tv shows help a little.  But sitting in this chair I see him walking through the dinning room into the kitchen.  I can feel his hands rubbing the back of my neck while he leans over the chair back. I see him in long comfy pants with no shirt his hair flowing freely, talking with a deep, husky, just woke up voice.  Smiling that beautiful smile. 

His clothes bag from our trip to NC is beside my bed.  I looked through it a few times.  Once to get his Mary necklace out.  Julie has the chain now and the locket is in the box with her necklace.  Once to look at his pill box.  Chuyi sleeps beside the bag at night.  I wonder if she can smell him and misses him.  

The doggies aren't eating much.  But they seem happy.  They wonder around all over the house now.  Lil'man sleeps with Julie.  Their life has pretty much flip flopped.  Wonder if they actually "know" Danny isn't here.  I hope they start eating better.  They like snacks and will sneak food from the kids plates.  Just don't want to eat their food.  And they used to gobble it up.  We think Lil'man has epilepsy now.  We've witnessed two seizures. But if they happen outside, he could have had them for years.  

Shopping is not helping as much as it used to.  I do "enjoy" buying things but once home it is all just stuff.  I am designing and making scarves and hats.  Started out being interesting but is sagging now. 

It is really, really, really, hard to follow Danny's words right now.  LIVE LIFE!  

I am not finding a path for this new journey.  Still standing in the middle of the desert.  How long will I be here.  There is no night, no day, just sand. Can't tell where is starts or ends.  If I don't move will my muscles forget how to work?  

I might have to remove myself from the heart group on fb.  Can't deal with all the fluff.  Life goes on and I am stuck.  Kerry is talking about going through Danny's stuff downstairs and getting rid of the junk and seeing what is good.  I don't want to.  I want to leave it untouched for as long a possible.  Just like I did the wall in the living room. Leave the EVERYTHING alone, for as long as it takes to.  We'll see.

Still haven't finished planting the tree.  Gabe wants to help and it has been raining too much.  Hopefully this Saturday.  It has been in the 70's for a few days and now back down to 57.

What am I going to do?  How am I going to do it?  I have to finish up some details with GTF and change my health insurance stuff.  All way too close to reality for me.  I do not want to feel the pain.  I do not want to cry.  I just want to kiss his cheek again and whisper "love you more".

1 comment:

  1. I can feel you every step, Rose. I know I know...

    It's okay to remove the heart page from you FB - maybe someday you can look at it again but right now it's too hard.

    Your questions "What am I going to do? How am I going to do it?" are so real to me - I felt that, too. For a lonnnnngggggg time.

    We keep going through the motions of life because we have to and eventually it feels more normal, but never again the same. And for you, times two. I feel you so deeply Rose.

    Love you! XXXOOO