And the days go by...

I don't think about dreaming about Danny like I did about Mary. Maybe because all I have to do is walk over to his side of the house and he's there.  I've been cleaning up over there a little.  Every time he goes off I wash all the covers on his sofa and put away all his clothes.  He just keeps them in the clothes baskets and rummages through them when he needs socks or pants or whatever.  There are 7 baskets sitting over there.  My work is cut out for me.  

Tony cleaned up Danny's pile of camping, fishing, junk stuff in the garage.  Now we can walk around in there. He put up my punching bag so I have something to hit and kick.

Monday I took Kerry to see Craig.  His feet have been swelling.  Found out that there is a lot of fluid floating around in his belly.  He's been trying to eat better and exercise as best he can but it hasn't been working well. He's always tired and huffing and puffing too.  Craig said there probably is something wrong with his liver so he took blood samples and sent him for a liver scan on Tuesday. Now we're waiting for results.  Kerry's a lot like his dad. I hope what ever is wrong and be fixed quickly so he can get back to being himself and active again.

Hurry up and wait....that's our life in a nut shell.

Last night was not much fun.  I do not cry much.  Makes me feel like I am not as affected this time a last time.  And when I say "this time" and "last time" I wonder when the "next time" is going to be.  Makes it hard to breathe.  Still I don't cry unless I'm alone and it's that soft wailing sound that hurts so much I can't stand it.  So I stop.  It's so much easier and less painful to think he's just gone to visit someone.  I don't write poems because I won't let it hurt.  I did read them all again for the first time in over a year.

I just can't stand the hurt so I do what Danny did and ignore it as much as possible.  I will not let it in.  This is NOT strength, it's self preservation.  I've become very familiar with that concept.

But last night I asked Bill to come and visit Kerry.  Donnie was here too.  Kerry is a little lonely and scared.  I can't help him.  Then a few others came by and I was fixing dinner plates and taking care of Anna everyone was talking and with Kerry.  He sat on the sofa instead of in his room.  It finally became overwhelming for me and closed myself in Kerry's room and watch TV between crying and being pissed at the world.  I don't know what I want, people to visit and talk about Danny or not talk about Danny, or leave me alone or ignore me.  It's all so empty when I stop and look around.

Tony's going hiking in NC today.  I'm going to sit and escape.  If I write something tomorrow then I made it through today.