hummm...

Oddly, several hours after my last post I started getting an inkling of Christmas cheer.  It lasted an hour or so. 

Today I'm getting my hair done.  Maybe looking better will make me feel better.  Who knows.  

Thanks to everyone who reads this for being my friend.  I realize this journal is not especially uplifting and positive.  But it is what it is.
love you

Movies

I have been watching lots of TV movies and shows.  The older movies use music for mood changes a lot more than newer movies.  It rather gives away the next scene.  One scene every one is happy and smiling and the music is light and breezy and cheerful.  Enter, in the next scene, the villain.  But just before the entrance comes the music. It changes suddenly to very low and very high menacing chops of beware tones.  It makes you get ready for the "whatever" that's coming next and you KNOW it's not good because of the music. 

That's what we need in life, beware music.  To prepare us for the chaotic scenes that we can't control.  

I do not like the scary movies where the scene changes suddenly to the horror of "whatever" and your heart stops and your breath is sucked away.  I cannot handle those scenes anymore.  I don't even like the sudden change to happy scenes either.

 

Differences

So many things are different from when Mary left.  I remember being unable to do most anything without falling apart.  I cried myself to sleep for months.  I cried to and from work for months.  Thanksgiving was 8 months later and still nothing tasted any good.  I didn't eat much for many months after that.  Christmas was a total disaster.  We didn't get a tree until probably the 23rd of December.  I didn't get any decorations down.  The kid hand made them.  I started seeing my grief counselor in September because I could not do anything at work or home.  I guess it was partly the raw anger that made it so hard.  We we going to court every few months and he still wasn't in prison.   When I was finally able to go out to dinner with friends and I would have one small drink sometimes.  Then I would end up in the bathroom crying, calling Danny just to hear his voice and tell him I was sad.  Now I call Tony.

Thanksgiving this year was empty.  Good food, good company, but lonely.  I only shed a few tears at night before going to bed.  I do not cry much but don't ask me anything about Mary or Danny.  I cannot guarantee the out come.  So, I just ignore the pain and loneliness.  I knit or crochet scarfs and hats.  I am afraid of Christmas.  Once again I know I should decorate a tree for the kids.  So this year I will leave it up entirely to Julie.  I have already bought some presents for everyone.  I'll give Danny's to Amber.  She'll like it.  I have one more present to buy Kerry.  I really would just like to skip Christmas but that would be rather hard.  Unless I leave the country.  I like being around the doggies too much.

I told my boss I would help him in December.  I hope I can keep that promise. So much life has been sucked out of me that it's hard to face Danny's life long wish.  

I have to notify people and places that he can be removed from their list.  I know I have to do this and I will next week.  I'll just paint some more pain varnish on my soul and pick up the phone.  Better now than closer to Christmas.  

We are home from Carol's.  The time since I last talked to Danny is starting to grate on my nerves.  He's usually not gone for longer than 3 or 4 days at a time.  I thought I could ignore it longer.  Sometimes it feels like it's been 2 days and sometimes like he's sleeping on his side.  Now it's starting to feel vacant.  

I still haul both my phones around with me waiting for Emory to call. 

thanks for what

Danny says "thanks for life".  I should honor that and I am trying.  It's beautiful up here in NC. 


I should be doing a lot of things in my head but my heart won't let me.  I should be making sure Tony, Amber, Michael, Zak, Sherrell, Donnie, Carol, Julie and others are doing ok.  But it hurts too much to talk about.  So I'm just pushing time by and ignoring reality as much as I can.  


Guess I'll be stuck in the middle of this desert for awhile.  Nothing has changed yet.  One day maybe it will. 


I so did not want Mary to take Danny.  I begged her not to.  But I can't be mad at her.  She was only following her heart too.  

Another day, another dawn

Kerry goes to bed every night around 11pm, gets up around 2am, comes back to bed around 4am, then up again around 6am.  Fortunately he naps during the day a little so he is getting some rest time.  I wake up each time he stirs but I don't get up.

I got up at 4:30 this morning.  Had a really weird dream, 2 actually.  In the first one a man and a woman were trying to teach me or see if I understood (I think) what it truly means to love someone.   Had to do with driving down a busy street, kinda like that tv show Cash Cab where they are talking and driving and stopping down NYC busy streets.  I kept giving them fairly decent answers but never the correct one.  Then finally I told them I would give my life for my family and that's when they smiled and said "yes", smiled and acted like they had accomplished their mission.  Then they moved on to someone else in my life to ask the same question.  

The second dream started when the first one finished.  I moved from the street to a hospital room with beds that were chin high.  I had to use a ladder to climb into one.  I was having a "procedure" done that required me to take a pill that would "relax" me so I could go to sleep and not remember anything.  I did NOT want to take the pill so I left the room and went to the bathroom.  I found another pill that looked about the same.  I did take one of them but couldn't remember if it was the right one.  So back on the bed I told the nurse I did not want to go to sleep.  She couldn't tell if I had taken the correct pill but the doctor said it was ok anyway and started doing something to me.  I woke up then.

I haven't remembered any dream I've had in ages.  I didn't have any late night ice cream attacks.  I did drink a beer around 9pm.

I am creating Danny's thank you notes. Hopefully I'll have them by the beginning of December.  Today I have reality things I need to do.  I hope they won't take long. Reality makes my stomach hurt.   

Focus, focus

I have to focus on everything else but Danny.  He is off visiting.  I am able to go down to his room because I have to let the doggies out his back door.  But if I stop to look around or go touch the stuff on the floor or look in his room, I get an immediate stomachache.  Even thinking about it now causes knots.  Laying in bed trying to go to sleep takes me back to the hospital.  Then I cry.  So I go to sleep with the tv on and turn it off after I fall asleep a few times.  I have not dreamed about Danny and I do not particularly want to.  I have dreamed about Mary several times.  I would have given my soul away to have dreamed about Mary when she left but I didn't for many months.  

My tv shows help a little.  But sitting in this chair I see him walking through the dinning room into the kitchen.  I can feel his hands rubbing the back of my neck while he leans over the chair back. I see him in long comfy pants with no shirt his hair flowing freely, talking with a deep, husky, just woke up voice.  Smiling that beautiful smile. 


His clothes bag from our trip to NC is beside my bed.  I looked through it a few times.  Once to get his Mary necklace out.  Julie has the chain now and the locket is in the box with her necklace.  Once to look at his pill box.  Chuyi sleeps beside the bag at night.  I wonder if she can smell him and misses him.  


The doggies aren't eating much.  But they seem happy.  They wonder around all over the house now.  Lil'man sleeps with Julie.  Their life has pretty much flip flopped.  Wonder if they actually "know" Danny isn't here.  I hope they start eating better.  They like snacks and will sneak food from the kids plates.  Just don't want to eat their food.  And they used to gobble it up.  We think Lil'man has epilepsy now.  We've witnessed two seizures. But if they happen outside, he could have had them for years.  


Shopping is not helping as much as it used to.  I do "enjoy" buying things but once home it is all just stuff.  I am designing and making scarves and hats.  Started out being interesting but is sagging now. 

It is really, really, really, hard to follow Danny's words right now.  LIVE LIFE!  


I am not finding a path for this new journey.  Still standing in the middle of the desert.  How long will I be here.  There is no night, no day, just sand. Can't tell where is starts or ends.  If I don't move will my muscles forget how to work?  


I might have to remove myself from the heart group on fb.  Can't deal with all the fluff.  Life goes on and I am stuck.  Kerry is talking about going through Danny's stuff downstairs and getting rid of the junk and seeing what is good.  I don't want to.  I want to leave it untouched for as long a possible.  Just like I did the wall in the living room. Leave the EVERYTHING alone, for as long as it takes to.  We'll see.


Still haven't finished planting the tree.  Gabe wants to help and it has been raining too much.  Hopefully this Saturday.  It has been in the 70's for a few days and now back down to 57.


What am I going to do?  How am I going to do it?  I have to finish up some details with GTF and change my health insurance stuff.  All way too close to reality for me.  I do not want to feel the pain.  I do not want to cry.  I just want to kiss his cheek again and whisper "love you more".

another day

Today is nothingness. I am lost.  I am sad.  No tears.  If they start to leak out, I stop them.  I am not ready for resignation yet.  Danny is still around.  I can feel him.  I can see him when I close my eyes walking through the house to the kitchen.

So, I will continue to escape into TV.

Mary is waiting for him. Neither made it to 30.

I am defeated.  I don't know how long I will remain this way.  Danny says to enjoy life and I am trying but not doing a very good job. 

Times two

I'm splitting in two (or is it 'to'?).  I can feel it a every day goes by.  I don't cry but I don't really smile.  I do if someone says something that's supposed to be funny.  Don't want to hurt their feelings.  

I'm also starting to sink into the sand in my desert.  The little glassy spots are their.  I guess they are stepping stones, a path to take if I want.  But my feet are covered by the sand and it feels warm and comfy.  The air is getting a little chilly. 

Now come the 'what if's'.  

The first one I've been thinking about is 'what if Danny's brain was still active and alert and he was screaming inside his head not to give up?'  I mean, no one has ever come back from being in his situation, really come back.  I realize you have to have oxygen to feed the brain but they were giving him oxygen and beating his heart for him.  They didn't have him on any pain meds or knockout stuff.  And there I was holding on to him screaming 'come back', 'don't go', and he could have been saying 'help me - I don't want to go'.  Then they just stopped because there was nothing they could do to keep his body going.  But what about his mind????   I told Mary to push him back, not to let him go to her.  We weren't ready.

So, I have to split myself in half to function. Danny is on his side of the house, in the bathroom or sleeping, or listening to music, or writing songs, - I could go on and on.  I have never gone this long not kissing his cheek or holding his hand.  It's very hard to look at pictures too.

One of me is here, wanting to go shopping and paint, and the other just wants to curl up and sleep.  Neither of me can cry - IT HURTS SO BAD.

Now, I have to take care of my hubby.  He is my strength.  I have none.

What to do....

Haven't a fucking clue.  Just sitting in my chair staring at the TV.  No more shows to watch, finished them all last night.

The "party" was ok.  Hope there is never another one.  Can only say hope because you just never know.  Why do things like this bring out people you haven't seen in years and will probably not see again for years?  And some people you thought you'd see you don't.  

For those of you who don't know what to say, don't say anything, just hug.  For those of you who have to say something, I'm not really listening.

With Mary there was incredible anger and hate and the pain was unbearable.  Pain is still there but it has been routed down a different path.  With Danny there is incredible sadness and heart wrenching pain but I am in a bubble and only the sadness can seep in.  I know the pain would end me if I let it take over.  I am crying this morning for the first time since Tony's goodbye message.  Just sad little tears streaming down.  The doggies are at my feet.  They were both sleeping on Danny's sofa this morning.  I sat down and they both put their heads on my lap and Lil'man started moaning a little.  I could read a lot into that but I just held them and cuddled with them. 

Some of Danny's friends have taken little things of his to remind them of him.  I find it facsinating that many of my Mary poems are good to go for Danny. Just change the name.  "A Little Bit of Mary" will do just fine right here.

I am NOT changing his room for a long time. I have not put away his clothes although I have washed most of them.   There are still dirty clothes downstairs in his bathroom and room.  

I guess some things will always be a museum of love.  Mary's things are still downstairs.

Tomorrow, tomorrow

I love ya, tomorrow.  You're always a day away.

I am having trouble reconciling Danny's wish for me (everyone) to truly live life to its fullest and be happy with my sadness and hatred for life without him.  How can I be truly happy without my children.  I can tell everyone else to listen to Danny but I can't seem to.

One day at a time in the desert.  We'll see.
 

more days

Lonely and sad.  Numb and smileless.  Ignoring reality takes all my energy.  Can't think about the box.  Haven't seen his pony tail.  I keep washing his clothes, folding them, putting them away.  The doggies are sleeping at my feet.  

TV, TV, and more TV.  Can't let those thoughts slip in.

Still standing in the middle of the desert. More glass spots are forming.  The sun is overhead but not emitting much heat.  Just staring into nothingness.

And the days go by...

I don't think about dreaming about Danny like I did about Mary. Maybe because all I have to do is walk over to his side of the house and he's there.  I've been cleaning up over there a little.  Every time he goes off I wash all the covers on his sofa and put away all his clothes.  He just keeps them in the clothes baskets and rummages through them when he needs socks or pants or whatever.  There are 7 baskets sitting over there.  My work is cut out for me.  

Tony cleaned up Danny's pile of camping, fishing, junk stuff in the garage.  Now we can walk around in there. He put up my punching bag so I have something to hit and kick.

Monday I took Kerry to see Craig.  His feet have been swelling.  Found out that there is a lot of fluid floating around in his belly.  He's been trying to eat better and exercise as best he can but it hasn't been working well. He's always tired and huffing and puffing too.  Craig said there probably is something wrong with his liver so he took blood samples and sent him for a liver scan on Tuesday. Now we're waiting for results.  Kerry's a lot like his dad. I hope what ever is wrong and be fixed quickly so he can get back to being himself and active again.

Hurry up and wait....that's our life in a nut shell.

Last night was not much fun.  I do not cry much.  Makes me feel like I am not as affected this time a last time.  And when I say "this time" and "last time" I wonder when the "next time" is going to be.  Makes it hard to breathe.  Still I don't cry unless I'm alone and it's that soft wailing sound that hurts so much I can't stand it.  So I stop.  It's so much easier and less painful to think he's just gone to visit someone.  I don't write poems because I won't let it hurt.  I did read them all again for the first time in over a year.

I just can't stand the hurt so I do what Danny did and ignore it as much as possible.  I will not let it in.  This is NOT strength, it's self preservation.  I've become very familiar with that concept.

But last night I asked Bill to come and visit Kerry.  Donnie was here too.  Kerry is a little lonely and scared.  I can't help him.  Then a few others came by and I was fixing dinner plates and taking care of Anna everyone was talking and with Kerry.  He sat on the sofa instead of in his room.  It finally became overwhelming for me and closed myself in Kerry's room and watch TV between crying and being pissed at the world.  I don't know what I want, people to visit and talk about Danny or not talk about Danny, or leave me alone or ignore me.  It's all so empty when I stop and look around.

Tony's going hiking in NC today.  I'm going to sit and escape.  If I write something tomorrow then I made it through today.