Monday, August 31, 2009

Stuff on Sunday

The storm of the year has just gone through Atlanta and I’m sitting in a dark, too warm house waiting for the power to come back on. So, I thought I might as well chat while I down an ice cold Guinness.

Last night was Mary’s 10th high school reunion. She was there in full force, larger than life (literally- the picture board we created was BIG). Julie and Mary’s friend John stayed by the board telling her story for most of the night. Many of her class mates did not know about the crash. A few were in her computer science classes with her at UGA. Most all that came by took the cards with the website links to GTF and Donate Life and picked up the UGA scholarship cards. A lot of them are coming to Mary’s Party on 9/19.

Last night we also went to a 21st birthday party for Danny’s friend Rachael. Her mom, sister, and brother had quite a gathering at their home. Two weeks after Rachael died Christine was forced to move out of the condo she rented because the owners didn’t pay the mortgage. I didn’t understand at the time how she was able do to that. I called it strength. Actually it was total robotic shock. You function on auto pilot not knowing whether what you are doing is healthy or harmful, you just do it. She did have her other two children to take care of but at 12 and 22 they were probably taking care of her like Julie and Danny took care of me.

We got home and after wandering around the house for awhile I settled down to play one of my mindless computer games hoping to get tired enough to fall asleep fast. It didn’t work. I crawled into bed only to be assaulted by visions of the crash. This happens quite a bit and is why I don’t go to sleep until the wee hours of the morn. To keep from waking my wonderfully snoring hubby I went to lay on the sofa and cry. I almost got up to turn on the TV and drink a beer but I couldn’t move. Mary should have been at her reunion having fun talking to all her friends she hasn’t seen in years. Instead she was staring at them from a board. Yes, her smile was bright and beautiful but it is becoming more vacant for me as the days roll on. It doesn’t change, doesn’t breathe, doesn’t live like it used to. Her face is frozen in time never to change again. So I laid on the sofa, clung to my feather pillow, and rocked back and forth. Rocking is very soothing. It reminds me of when my mother would hold me and rock me. I didn’t realize how much I do that until someone told me. Danny and Julie are always rocking or shaking some part of their bodies while they sit, mostly their legs.

The power is still out and now that Julie is home she says it looks like a war zone on the roads with all the trees and branches down. A tree fell on a car as it was driving down Sugarloaf Pkwy in front of our subdivision. The power is out in all the subdivisions near us. Guess we’re eating out tonight.

I went to Sunday school this morning. I go about once a month or so. The ladies are wonderful and they put up with me. I don’t usually comment on the lessons anymore. This one was about asking for signs from god. I used to think I received signs. Now I think it was just wishful thinking. One lady said she doesn’t look for signs because she believes that all things good come from god and all things bad come from “HIM”. Guess we all know who HIM is. I don’t believe that at all. Free will has to come in there somewhere. But if it fills the need in her heart, then it’s good for her. I have way too many questions to ever hope that they will get answered in my lifetime. I’ll probably just find that I knew the answers all along when I’m with Mary, where ever she is. I know she has found the answers to her questions. I’ve considered going to a sitting with a psychic. Evidently it’s pretty popular, they have group meetings all over the place. One day I might again. I did several years ago. My aura was purple!

My counselor says I’ve created some good “escape mechanisms”. These are needed so I can function during the day. At least I know I’m not going crazy which was a possibility in my mind.

I’m looking at the skin on my hands and fingers as I type. It looks old and tired and worn. Dry and wrinkled and full of “age spots”. But I think I’ve had the age spots forever, just called them freckles when I was younger.

OMG – the power just came back on and scare the #@#*^ out of me. But there’s air flowing at last!

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