Hold on to the emptiness

Mary has some awesome friends. They have turned into our family and are so integrated into our lives that it helps me to continue to breathe.

I recall probably the very first time her roommates ever talked to me. Mary called me in the middle of the morning one April day in 2004. I was working, concentrating so hard I didn’t realize at first that the person who was not talking on the other end of the phone was Mary. My heart froze as I also realized that she was crying and couldn’t talk. Finally after some coaching I figured out she was in pain with the stomach flu going around and couldn’t talk. I only heard sobs and little noises for yes and no. Now, any mother will know the feeling you get when one of your children is hurting and you are too far away to immediately hold them and take care of them (seems I’ve felt that in the recent past also.) When I understood the problem I asked for her roommates phone numbers. She needed medicine and I was going to find a way to get it to her. I called both roomies and left messages telling who I was and what I wanted them to do.

My greatest fear was that, not knowing my phone number on sight they might ignore my call. So, I called a few more times just to reinforce that someone needed help. I called Mary back and told her what I did. She told me to tell them to leave the medicine outside her door and to knock. She didn’t want them getting whatever she had. (Oh that was so Mary.) Later she called back to say she had gotten some medicine. I found out that I had caught one of them between classes and I had sounded so desperate that she went directly to the store and back to Mary.

I don’t remember which one of them answered my plea. But they did tell Mary that at first they couldn’t figure out who this crazy lady was leaving a message for them. I had forgotten to tell them who I was until the 3rd message. Alas, they heeded my call as only a friend can.


The statement below is what one of them wrote about Mary.


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I was told that I should take comfort in my emptiness because that emptiness I was feeling was Mary. When two people connect like we did, she said, there is an exchange of energy, an energy that feels like a buzz in your head every time you see each other. And when something inexplicable happens to that friend, when that energy suffers, she said, what you’re feeling is a piece of you dying too. And that’s the energy that you desperately have to hold on to, because it’s all I have left of Mary. It’s all any of us have left of her, and it’s his fault. He upset the balance of the universe.

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Friends forever...


Hold on to the emptiness, it’s all that’s left
Reminders of everything that she ever touched
Memories of a life time packed into your heart
Dreams of the future erased, the pain is too much

Your souls connected when you first met
An energy inexplicable to those who don’t know
Her comforting friendship blanketed your soul
A friendship of a life time to you she bestowed

Hold on to the emptiness, even though it hurts
A piece of you is gone with her into the night
Together you’ll travel through space and time
Never ceasing to conquer what life has in sight

Hold on the emptiness, never let it go
The vacant solace of sighs will bring comfort in the void
Holding hands in your heart makes love unabated
It may one day regenerate the innocence that was destroyed

Hold on to the emptiness, she will help me to survive