Saturday, August 8, 2009

Sighing for love

Julie didn't pass the test for sheriff's position. It was like a mini PSAT and she hasn't done any real math problems like those since high school. She'll try again. I almost told her that "when one door closes another one opens" but I caught myself in time. It sounds pretty but I don't believe it anymore. She just missed one too many questions, that's all. But, she'll get it next time with a little more studying.

Julie and Mike have a temporary custody agreement. One less thing to think about for awhile hopefully. But I never plan on anything anymore. Just one day, one hour, at a time. Breathe in, breathe out.

I tried to write something yesterday but I couldn't put it down on paper. I talked to Tony, love hearing his voice. He is in Seattle and very tired from all his travels. Listening to him I can see Mary standing beside him and I get homesick for her. Does that make sense? Maybe he feels the same when he talks to any of us.

For some reason my feelings are more intense when I talk about Mary. They are sitting on the edge of a precipice of love and guilt ready to fall when the wind blows her to me. Sometimes I go tumbling down and sometimes I manage to hold on to tree roots. I hear myself sighing more lately, like I did in April and May. The hearing for her killer is in 10 days and maybe that's what's causing it. Still don't know if I want to see him. Guess I won't know until I get there.

I'm going to try to go to a meeting of the Compassionate Friends this month. "Try" is the word. We'll see.

We have the kids from Wednesday afternoon till Saturday afternoon until the divorce is final. Now we can plan (love that word!!) for some after school activities.

My shoulders and neck ache all the time. I need a massage but I won't get one because I won't enjoy it. So why bother. I can see sharper division between the public me and the broken me. But I have to have that division to keep going. I just wish I could let the broken me explode once in a while. I do a little bit.

From a child to her mother -

When I asked you one day what love is, you told me
love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!

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