Monday, August 24, 2009

Every Day

I've been so very tired these last few days. I sat at work and didn't work. Went home and didn't do anything there either. So, I finally went to bed last night around midnight and didn't get up until after 9 this morning. That's the most sleep I've gotten in ages.

I went to see a grief counselor Friday with Bonni. Yes, I finally did it. She was very nice. Maybe I'll even go back.

So far we’ve had Kerry’s birthday without Mary, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day without Mary, and my birthday without Mary. Everybody who loved her will have some special day without her. She never forgot a special day. Tony turned 26 without her. Most importantly, we had a wedding day without her.

Mary and I used to talk about whether psychics or mediums or whatever they call themselves really could communicate with people who have died. They seem to believe they can. She gave me a book written by a skeptic researching this subject as far back as possible (500 years maybe) through current times. It was quite a comical book and very well written. In the end the author couldn’t decide if she believed or not but it was a interesting journey.

How much of what we do believe is formed by what we want to believe? I’d like to believe that Mary is right here beside me helping me get through each day, giving me little signs that she’s watching, and taking car of me. I don’t dream about her so I tell my self that she’s with Tony because he dreams about her all the time. They were soul mates, of course she’d be with him. Does that make me feel better? No. Why, if you don’t have a physical body retraining you, couldn’t you be in more places than one? I see butterflies, and humming birds, beautiful sunsets, rainbows. Are these signs from Mary? Some think so. If it makes them feel better why not believe they are signs. It doesn’t make me feel better.

Does believing she’s in heaven, in a better place, make me feel better? No. She was in a pretty good place where she was. Does god only “take the good ones”. Give me a break! Evil, mean, bad people die just as often as the good people do. It was NOT her “turn”, her “time to go”. If god had a plan there would be no free will. Besides if this was his plan, then it sucks, big time. (I think I’ve said this before.) There is NOTHING anyone can say to make this any easier. Yes, she is in my heart and on my mind all day long. I have her things and pictures of her all over the place. I can’t go anywhere without her presence. So, of course, she’s with me. But if I took off far away without any physical reminders, would she start to fade on me? My mother died when I was 13. That was 44 years ago. Sometimes I can’t remember what she looked like. I hardly ever dream of her. And I don’t think about her every single day. She would be 100 years old last March. (I was a late baby.) My dad died 25 years ago. Parents are supposed to go before their children.

Every Day

Every step I take - as I inch along this long winding road

Doesn’t seem to make - any sense to me at all.

Every breath I breathe, - every sigh that comes from deep within

Just makes me seethe - and spurn the sunrise that breaks the dawn without you.

I want to start again, go back to the beginning, rewrite the script of life -

to see what I can change to bring you back to me.

But it’s impossible, it’s not meant to be.

Every song I hear – is my opiate and so relieves my pain for awhile

Makes me disappear – oh so loud it drowns the hurt with pounding bass.

Every smile I see – is your sweet face smiling back at me one last time

Comforting debris – the one constant in my reality turned memory that I hold.

I want to start again, go back to the beginning, rewrite the script of life -

to see what I can change to bring you back to me.

But it’s impossible, it’s not meant to be.

Every day I want to fly away, far away, so I can either find you or

get lost in dreams where we are together again, forever again

But I need the pain, I need the hurt to remind me that I’m still alive

So I don’t complain – I just sustain with your refrain, “love you, bye”.

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