As I was reading an email from The Compassionate Friends group about their memory tree they create every Christmas I realized I can't do what they do. I was reading about them memory book they put together listing all the children they've lost and the poems they've written about them. Many struck me as if they had resigned to the fact their child is truly gone. They want to keep their child's memory alive, not keep the child alive. Now, this is hard to explain. I'm not even sure if I can without sounding hurtful and unfeeling. It was like I knew although Mary is not in the same realm with me, she is definitely NOT dead, she is alive and going strong in another realm that is very close by. I don't even like saying the word dead. I will yell off the mountain tops that she was killed by a heartless, thoughtless, !#*&^@% idiot who was driving drunk so maybe someone, just one someone, will stop and think before they drink and drive. But she isn't gone from my universe. And I won't talk about her "passing" or "leaving" because she didn't. The more I read the more this conviction grew. Maybe I haven't gotten to where these people are in their life, or maybe I've gone past them. I don't know. I understand that this group doesn't represent all families that have lost children, just the ones who need the support of others in the same situation. I haven't attended a meeting yet. Maybe I will. I understand what they went through and where they came from, I just don't understand where they are now. Some of them lost their children over 25 years ago and the children are all ages.
I think I'll have to go to one of the meetings to understand them. But I'm slightly afraid if I go I won't be able to hold myself together. And that's what scares me most.
My mind is so confused and feels like one gigantic mud hole. I promise till my last breath, Mary, that I will never let you die. You will be beside me forever, with me in every single thing I do, working or playing, crying or laughing. I cannot live without my WHOLE family and I will not do so. I love you Mary.