Saturday, May 16, 2009

wrinkle in time

I thought I could work in the yard this morning but it’s drizzly and too quiet, too calm. Can’t roto-till, can’t spray weed killer. Guess I could wash some clothes or bring down the summer ones from the attic. But I don’t feel like doing anything. I look at Mary’s pictures in the living room and I am sad. There’s a picture with them and Tony’s family standing on the porch. That’s all gone, the smiles, the plans, the happiness, the future. All changed, clouded with anger and hate, and sadness. Not just mine but everyone’s. I can’t take the pictures down. That wouldn’t be right.

I am not having a good day. All the minutes of being calm, cool, and collected have collapsed in unison. The flood surged forth crushing the damn of good intentions. Guess that taught me a lesson. Don’t hold it in. Don’t change the subject. Don’t ignore the pain. I sat this morning for a long, long time crying, rocking, moaning, calling Mary’s name, playing her song Nicole’s friend wrote that we played when we planted the willow tree. I played it loud so it would drown out the anguish in my sobs. I can’t begin to write down what the words I MISS YOU feel like. No amount of activities, sleep, hugs, or medicines can ever extinguish what I am feeling. But I realize now I have to let it out. I have to beat on the walls, rip pillows apart, scream, hold her picture against my heart. The clothes I have of hers don’t have her scent. All I have are the pictures and her ring. She loves that ring more than I can tell you. It belonged to Tony’s great grandmother I think. I don’t know how it came to be made or what it meant those many years ago. But I know what it meant just 6 weeks ago. Six weeks. Time slips by and stands still at the same time. It will stand still for that part of me that is Mary forever.

Do I feel better? My head hurts, my nose is stuffed up, my eyes are puffy, my ears are ringing, my clothes are wet, and there’s still a blank look on my face. But some of the pressure in my chest has shifted and I have taken some deep breaths. I feel different. Now it’s raining softly.

I’m getting myself ready to go to her house in two weeks. If I talk about it enough maybe it won’t be such a shock when I get there. I don’t know if I can go inside but I’ll try. If we were keeping the house I wouldn’t go back for months. This is just one more thing destroyed. Relationships are changing also. For better or worse, some change caused by the events some just nudged on to a faster pace. But all are related to that wrinkle in time, that exploding black hole that has sucked my soul dry.

Julie, Danny, and Kerry are beautiful. They let me cry and hand me Kleenex’s. It is very hard to write the words “Julie, Danny”. I always wrote “Julie, Mary, and Danny or Danny, Mary, and Julie. Our life long code word is DMJMD – Danny, Marry, Julie, Mommy, Daddy.

It’s getting darker outside and the wind is picking up. Storms are coming.

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