Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Did you know?

Sunday was a very strange day. I think I might have glimpsed, for a second, what life might be like down the road. It wasn’t particularly pleasant but it was there. It was a learning experience. And then it was gone. Maybe the future will come and go like that, I don’t know. Maybe Saturday’s explosion allowed it to sneak through. Maybe I need more of that. I just don’t know.

Yes, I like the movie Star Trek I saw on Saturday. But Bonni and I both cried at scenes or sayings that reminded us of either Mary or that day. I guess any movie, unless it’s a slapstick comedy, will have something in it that stirs memories. Mary and I would watch movies and as the plot progressed we tell each other what was going to happen next. Good thing we didn’t go to theaters very often. I could predict better than she could. I told her it was because I was older and had seen more movies. Actually it’s all just a guessing game.

Sunday, again, rained all day. But I could look at her pictures without coming apart. I don’t know what the difference is day by day. Why a sound or a smell or a word will bring tears. Why I can tell stories about her to people and not cry a tear. When I would meet Christine for lunch I was the one sitting in the booth with tears streaming down my face for Rachael and she was comforting me. Now it’s the other way around. I always wondered why I didn’t see her cry. Now I know. There is no reason. It either happens or it doesn’t. Either way my heart is still broken, it still hurts, I’m still angry.

I’m supposed to be writing thank you notes. I’ve written one. This is going to be harder than I thought.

Today we gave Mary’s antique vanity to Melissa. It was one I bought in 1971 when I was going to UGA. It was old back then. Mary loves it. She used it until she went to college. She was making room at their house for that and other pieces of furniture she left behind. ………………….I hate saying WAS. Everything I try to say about Mary is “was” or “used to be” -- past tenses everywhere. I hate that. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Mary IS a sentimental person and loves antiquing for old and unusual items. She told me once that Melissa is too.

I don’t’ think I’ve ever ask “why did this happen”. It just did. I need to get that bumper sticker that says “Shit happens”. That about sums it up. I did get some magnets from MADD that Danny and I have put on our trucks. One in particular says “Someone I love was killed by a drunk driver”. I wish it was larger. I might have to make my own. Why me or why not me, which ever way you say it, means the same thing. If you win the lottery or the anti-lottery, the odds are still the same.

Now I will watch TV until I fall asleep while my husband sweetly snores beside me. And I really mean sweetly. No one gets taken for granted anymore. But I have to admit my patience with inanimate objects is at an all time low. I hope my house is still standing a year from now.

Did you know?

Did you know when you started the engine that night

You’d change the world forever?

Did you know when you put the truck in gear

You’d destroy the hearts of many?

Did you know when you said good bye to your friends

My family and friends would cry endlessly?

Did you know when you thought you were ok to drive

Your truck turned into a weapon?

Did you know when your head shook to clear your vision

My eyes had been crying for the loss of a friend?

Did you know when you turned on the truck lights

They’d be the last thing I ever saw?

Did you know when you opened the window for fresh air

I would draw my last breath that night?

Did you know when you thought you were driving ok

I was on my way home to see my brother?

Did you know when your eyes were getting heavy

I was only ten miles from my front door?

Did you know when you took some deep breaths to focus

I was thinking about my wedding day?

Did you know when you crossed that center line

I was thinking about the love of my life?

Did you know when you crashed into my car

I was dead a second later?

Did you know when you sat on the side of the road

What you had actually done?

Did you know when you started the engine that night

You’d change the world forever?

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