Time trickles on

In all the years since Mary graduated from Perimeter College and went on to UGA we never went more than a few days without talking or emailing or sending a text message to each other. Even when she went on trips. Partly because of Danny but partly because we just wanted to hear each others voice. It has been 8 weeks since I last heard her voice or received an email or text from her. Eight weeks of solitude or rather solitary confinement. I don’t even dream about her. Her friends do and Kerry did once. I am afraid that my dreams will be about the crash and not her so I don’t know if I want to. Maybe later. I can’t control dreams anymore than I can life. So, I control the controllable. When I wake, sleep, eat, wash, cook, clean, etc. I control my actions but not my emotions. Saturday’s are the worst because that’s when she would get here for the weekend. Then she’d stay till Monday morning and leave real early to get to work. I look for her every Saturday between 11am and noon.

A friend called me today because she had just heard the news. I heard her voice or rather her whisper over her cries and I burst into tears. Neither of us could talk for several minutes. At some point early in our conversation I said something about crying all the time and she said “how do you not cry all the time?”. I remember thinking the same thing when I would talk to Christine. I could only imagine (and I didn’t really want to) what losing a child would be like and I imagined I would never ever stop crying. Whenever we would get together at the very site of her face I would start crying. (Have I told this story before? I find my self repeating things lately.) She would comfort me - ha! How’s that for backward. But now I get it. I was told recently that my mind is using up so much energy building up defenses and walls so it will be able to exist in the everyday world that my body is tired all the time. That I need to rest and eat to keep the energy going until my mind can rest. And that may take several years or longer. Each person is different. So, I was what Christine’s mind needed the defense against. If I had known I’m not sure what I could have done differently. I hurt because Christine hurt so she had to build defenses. And she’s probably still keeping them going. And so, I am doing the same. Especially at work. Life is just going on as before and it really pisses me off but – what can I do?? Nothing.

What happened to our scientists and space and time travel experiments? If we could go back in time would that take away our free will? Would it keep us from being responsible for our actions and relieve our guilt? As will anything dealing with human nature, someone would use it to destroy lives instead of saving them. You just can’t win for losing.

Time Trickles……

I’m stuck in the past with you but

Time trickles on.

I look at unchanging pictures while

Time trickles on.

I hear stories of what happened before yet

Time trickles on.

Memories are redundant, nothing new so

Time trickles on.

Time is my enemy and time is my friend.

This paradox is frightening for me

But it will win in the end.

I see your clothes just laying there when

Time trickles on.

Your sewing needles lay unmoved as

Time trickles on.

Life is replaced by still life pictures now that

Time trickles on.

My heart is standing still right now because

Time trickles on.

Time is my enemy and time is my friend.

One day we will conquer time

And I will win in the end.