Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Lessons Mary taugh me

Who am I? I am mother, momma, mom, mommy, mummy…..

What am I? Your protector, healer, kisser of boo boo’s, excuse for your friends, best

friend, confident……

Where am I? Here, standing beside you at all times, inside your heart, forever and


When will I? ever stop loving you? NEVER….ever….ever….

Why am I? still here when your aren’t? I don’t know.

How am I? I am. I just am.

I have been reading pamphlets from MADD about grief. So many stories just like mine. So many with more than one family member killed. After I had Julie and discovered what unconditional love actually meant, I couldn’t imagine loving anyone else as much. Mary came into our lives and for a few days I called her “the baby”. Not sure why. I would look at the two of them, side by side, and wonder will I have enough love for both of them. A day or so later Mary was crying and I couldn’t make her stop. I checked her diaper, tried to feed her, wrapped her tighter, etc. Then I saw her foot sticking out of the blanket with her pink sock. I removed the sock and saw her little foot was snow white and cold as ice. I burst into tears, took off her other sock, put her to my chest with her feet nestled in my waistband against my tummy, wrapped the blanket around her, held her tight while I rocked her, and finally, truly, truly, understood what love was. After that, I never worried about where love would come from or would I have enough for everyone. I think I may have had too much from time to time. Always, my cup runneth over. More babies just meant more love.

I can’t imagine hurting anymore than I do now. I can’t read anymore of these stories. I won’t for now. If the newspapers would print these stories on the front page every day maybe it would make people wake up. Probably not. Senseless tragedies have been happening since time began. I don’t think any amount of praying or bargaining is going to change that.

I cried a lot today. Too many people came up to hug me. Sadly I am not able appreciate the out stretched arms of care anymore. Hurts too much. I hide behind my sun glasses and closed door at work. Go in and out of the grocery store quickly so no one sees me. I didn’t realize people knew who I was.

I need to forget for a few minutes now. I’m going to watch TV or play a mindless game. Can’t decide. I’m not good at decision making anymore.

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