Monday, July 4, 2011

Ying / Yang

So here I am on a plane bound for Toronto with nothing to do but type.  They do have flights back to Atlanta as late as 10pm.  Said good bye to Danny this morning at 5:30am when he got home from a friend’s house.  After being in the hospital he’s taking advantage of being out and about so no long term plans for him.  He’s living life to the fullest as best he can.

I am terrified of taking off and landing in a plane.  Talking to Danny yesterday he said something about with all the terrorists around today might be the end of the world and if we make it we have to keep going on.  This was in response to me not wanting to leave with him still on the list.  I told him I didn’t want to be the only one left if terrorists got us.  He said why not?  You have to carry on.  I said I didn’t want to be around if none of my family was alive.  Again he said why not, you will have others who make it that you have to take care of. 

Very interesting short conversation.  I know he could make it without me  but I am a parent and parents leave the earth first.  Unless you’re a parent  you just don’t understand what it feels like to see your child in harms way.

So, Michael got his heart on Friday and Jess is still waiting.  She posted a note on FB saying she was praying for a whole, strong heart to come her way.  Maybe it’s the “first time around” transplant feeling that makes you say that.  Self-preservation is after all very strong and very normal.   But for me, the heart that Danny will get will mean death for someone else.  Maybe that’s because I’ve had to let Mary go and couldn’t donate anything.  Maybe it’s because I felt the “sharp knife of a short life” with Danny’s first heart when the aunt who thought her nephew gave Danny his second chance.  It really hit home that when I was “thanking god” for a heart someone else was saying WTF….I wrote the family a lot of letters but no answer.  Not until Mary left did I understand that words don’t matter.  Especially after she couldn’t donate anything.  My life didn’t matter much.  Only Danny’s and Tony’s and Kerry’s and Julie’s and the kid’s life mattered.  If I gave up it would be worse on them.  So I struggled to breathe.

Now here I am doing the one thing I haven’t done in over 7 years.  Be more than 2 hours away from Danny through my choice.

I hope and pray (?) that these antibody treatments give him a better chance of matching someone.  I’ll have to deal with the guilt later.  That’s the ying and yang of life I guess.

See you in Toronto!

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