Can't let it go

I watched an episode of Memphis Beat last week.   Dwight comes to terms with his father's killer and his father's actions.  He realizes he's been thinking about his father's death and his killer all these years instead of thinking about the wonderful father he was to Dwight.  

So I started thinking long and hard.  I do talk about Mary all the time, things she would do, things that make her laugh.  (It is still extremely hard to write or talk about Mary using the past tense.)  Several times over the last month people have asked how many children I have.  I say 3 and when I get to Mary I say "she would be 30".  Then I try really, really hard not to cry.  But most times we are remembering all kinds of happenings around the house when Mary would say or do something.  

But I have spent most of the last two years watching her killer walk around free, still drinking and driving and I have spent a lot of time seeing her screaming in my imaginings.  I can't stop the images from appearing but they are coming less and less often. I'm still really pissed and angry at him.  

We do have a lawsuit against him so we continue to have some kind of long distance contact with him even though he is in jail.  30 months just isn't enough justice for me.

Maybe I'm not the person I thought I was.  I'm just me, changing with the winds of time and chaos of life.