Sunday, July 31, 2011

Here we go again...

So now it's Sunday morning and his feet are huge again.  Danny went to a 311 concert last night.  Didn't drink or eat anything but when he got home his feet were almost as big as they were when they put him in the hospital.  He could still wiggle his toes but can hardly bend his ankles.  I cooked him some steak and eggs and grits (sans salt) and he added up all the fluids he had today so he could see how much he could drink with his dinner.  Then he took a diuretic booster and went to eat with his feet up in the air for the night.  If they don't shrink by today at noon he's going to stay there all day with his feet up.  I, of course, am calling the coordinators to tell them.  

How can he go to the beach if his feet swell this much this fast?  He won't be able to stand up fishing much.  And what fun is it sitting in a hotel room with your feet up staring out the window at the waves?

I really need the docs to fix my baby so he can enjoy the little break he's getting.  Then  I need them to move him up on the list without putting him in the hospital, but that's not going to happen.  If needing both organs does not move you up either then what good is it doing us.  I told them not to let his other organs fail.  They said his liver and lungs are fine but that's what they said about his kidneys when he checked out of Emory.  THEN the drop the bomb at his checkup.

Bring on the Rain is becoming my theme song.  I wish I believed it as much as I did before.  What will happen to me, to Kerry, to Julie if something happens to Danny?  I just don't know.

What's it like to know that when they are putting you to sleep for your transplant there's a chance you might not wake up?  Yes, it could happen to anyone for any operation but they are taking your HEART out and putting it back.  I go under for pacemaker replacement but not in the same way.  This has happened before to Danny's friend.  I know he must think about it.  I can't help wondering.  And don't give me that shit about don't cross a bridge before you get to it.  I've been there and crossed it.  And I can't get back.

Yes, I'm worried, about everything, Danny, Kerry, work...  Julie has someone to worry about her now.  (I'm soooo glad.  He is very nice.)  I've got to suck it up and keep going.  And I will somehow.  It's not "strength", it's love.

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