I'm sorry.

Ok. I need to write here more often.  I get these things in my head but I don't stop long enough to write it down.  Then I think of something else.  

So, here goes from last week...

What I'm going to say is going to sound really, really mean and self centered and I should know better than to feel this way but here it is... For all the heart recipients and donor families who get to meet I say, "Great, good for you, but I am so jealous I can hardly spit."  I can only assume being able to help someone continue living somehow keeps the family member alive for everyone else. I don't know if helps with the grief but their remains were not wasted.  To all those families who tried to donate their loved ones remains but couldn't for some reason, I understand.  For me it was like having a double whammy hit me in the face.  Life was thrown away twice.  Now there are many reasons a wannabe donor can't donate.  I understand that. I know all doctors wish they could use all organs that are donated.  But Mary didn't get past the starting gate.  And it hurt inconceivably to know that what she wanted most when she died was to give the gift of life to someone like someone did for Danny.

We've never met Danny's donor family.  And that's alright.  I'm not sure I want to see others celebrating when I am crushed inside.  Actually, I totally know I did not want that for a long, long time after Mary left.  But at some point I did resent the ME seemingly not trying to help us donate something, anything in those early morning hours.  And now I would give anything to have a little bit of Mary walking around, living, breathing, helping someone else enjoy life.

I am truly sorry I am so jealous that I don't always feel joy for others when I should.  But I had to write it down to get it out.  Maybe this will help.

I told the judge that man killed a lot more people than just Mary.  I still hate him. I don't plan on changing any time soon.  Does that make me a bad person?