This has been and continues to be a very busy week for me. Monday - dinner out; Tuesday - dentist and landscaping consultant; Wednesday - painting class; Thursday - Art and Soul event for GTF; Friday - breathe deep and enjoy the kids; Saturday - Emory PFAC meeting; Sunday - clean house. No real time to sit and think and write. Too bad about the writing.
I have learned that I can't draw worth a hoot. I'll find out about painting next week. But still having fun.
Some of my TV shows season premiers have been very interesting and have stirred up a lot of thoughts. Rare for a TV show of any kind. I watched HOUSE late one night (on tape) and had to rewind a few times. He had done something to a person that caused great hurt and House could not forgive himself. He can forget his successes but not his failures. Probably true for most of us. Then someone told him to "ask for forgiveness and then move on". If the person didn't forgive him, oh well, that's their problem. But he shouldn't let failure stop his life. In the show he almost killed someone out of stupidity or self indulgence. If you've seen the show you know what House is like. I'm not sure why I watch it but something draws me to it. But, I digress. So, here we have someone who causes a life shattering event to someone else and all he has to do is ask for forgiveness and then go on with his life, let the past go, there's nothing left to do. Interesting thought. I guess if I was House or someone in that situation I should be relieved at not having to feel guilt the rest of my life. BUT I'm not.
I do know that I want that man to suffer all the days left of his life. I want him to feel guilty forever. In the newspaper article stating he was indicted, it said that it was and "unintentional accident" or some such nonsense. I haven't seen the article first hand, it was read to me, but I see nothing unintentional about it. And I do no see it as an accident. He intentionally drank and got into that truck and drove away. I want to see some real suffering, inside and out. They say that anger and hate consumes the person harboring it more than it hurts the person it is aimed at. Well, for now, that's fine with me. I haven't been consumed yet. And he better never ask me for forgiveness. I have none for him right now. I don't know how I'll feel next year, hell, I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow. We'll see.
Tomorrow is the Art and Soul event for GTF. Mary will have a table there. I have been learning how to escape some of the agony by diving into other activities. Some have everything to do with Mary, some do not. But they keep me from sinking in my pit every day. But I do have to let it out when the pressure builds up.
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The Art & Soul event was awesome. I really let loose and had a good time, because, as people tell me, "Rachael would want me to." Well, yeah, Rachael would want me to, but she would want me to with HER HERE!
ReplyDeleteSo once I left, I felt so lonely and empty because SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE! Then I feel guilty for letting myself have fun. I still do today! But on the way home I lost it. I screamed "Bring her back!!! And bring Mary back!!!" out my sunroof the whole way home. My throat is raw and sore today.
When Tyler asked why my voice was hoarse and I told him, he said I was a freak. Yep, that's what I am. That's what I've become. I just held Rachael's picture up on the seat next to me while I drove and yelled that she should be sitting there next to me driving home with me, talking about how great it was to be there.
I love seeing the people we know from her life as a transplant recipient. I am so glad to see how well they are doing. And then I get sad because she should still be here, too!
Trying to do things to escape the agony is good, like you said, you just have to let some of the pressure out. But it's a pit stop. No pun intended...you said it keeps you from sinking in your pit every day. You're right.
I love you Rose!
Christine