What to do???

Today starts month number 8 of my new life.  It has been 7 months and 1 day since I last talked to Mary.  Today Tony’s mom held a dog walk fund raiser for her UGA funds.  It rained the whole time, sometimes hard sometimes only misting.  But we had about 25 people and dogs show up.  Many of the dogs were mutts, rescued from the pound or from abusive owners.  It was bitter sweet.  Mary’s doggies were all rescued from some place, our house or the pound.  She loved each of the fiercely.  Now they are what Tony holds on to so he can be close to Mary.  Yes, Taco even sleeps with him.  She used to sleep with Mary when Tony was out of town.  She would go to bed with Taco’s head laying on the pillow beside her and wake up with Taco’s butt beside her.  Mary loves her doggies.

But Choda was their special baby.  They picked him from all the pound dogs in Athens the first year they started dating.  Each told their parents that Choda belonged to the other.  He lived at both their apartments equally.  He didn’t’ like the color red (so Mary says) and wasn’t fond of men.  But he did love Tony.  Choda loved the outdoors as much as Mary and Tony.  Mary crocheted a back pack for Choda to haul his food when they went hiking.  Dried dog food weights a lot and if you’re going to enjoy the outdoors you have to pay the price of hauling your own food. 

Choda was killed by a drunk driver in front of their house.

The dog walk was a great success (even with the rain) and will be even bigger next year.  This is going to be an annual fund raiser. 

As I said last time I read other journals on line.  One is about a family with 3 children.  The middle girl is about 1.½ and has a heart transplant.  The have a new born and a 4 year old, I think.   All was well with them until around last April.  The little girl has been sick with complications related to being immuno-suppressed in general.  Her heart is fine.  She has been in and out of the hospital since April.  I wish I could say something to the mom (she writes the journal) to help her smile.  I have absolutely no words at all that could possibly comfort her.  I can only say to myself, hold on to SaraKate and hug her tightly while you have her.  Every parent should remember that whether their child is ill or not. 

There are so many reasons why a child dies.  Only old age is acceptable.  I’ve read comments on TCF website – drug overdose, suicide, incurable illness, murder, child abuse, “accident”, etc.  There are so many and they are so varied.  I can’t imagine what a parent goes through for any other reason than ours.  There are no better or worse scenarios.  There is just death and the absence of your child.  I can’t bear to hear or think about someone else’s loss because it makes mine so much more vivid and alive.  Yes, it moves, it crawls, it breathes.  It eats you up and spits you out.  All I can do is put a blanket over it for awhile so it will sleep.  Then it starts to move again.  Brace yourself.

Will I always have to fake the laughter that I knew before

he took you away from me?

 

Will I always have to pretend to smile at the jokes that people tell

to try to make be feel relief?

 

Will I always feel your love sheltering my pain? 

Taking all the hits that this new life portrays?

Will I always see your smile looking up at me?

Finding memories that help me through my day?

 

Will I always have to blink the tears from my eyes that come

whenever I think of you?

Will I always have to have to wear your clothes and jewelry next to my

heart to feel close to you?

 

Will I ever find the peace that your love gave everyone?

To continue with this life empty of your grace?

Will I ever find the steps that I need to take?

This path is so dark you need to light my way.

 

Will I ever?

 

Will I never?

 

What will I do?