Thursday, October 15, 2009


Today has not been the best of days.  I have not cried today, not one tear.  But there’s been an overwhelming cloud of sadness hovering over me all day long.  I walked around like I was dragging a hundred pound weight on my leg.  I didn’t smile much.  When something got in my way on my desk I threw it across the room.  Temper tantrum…  And, of course, my chest had a weight sitting on it.  Just acting like a zombie with no feelings except irritability. 

I don’t like taking anything that makes me sleep.  And, I don’t sleep all that much.  So I stay up until I’m so tired I fall asleep and then I go to bed.  Last night I fell asleep on the sofa watching TV.  Then woke up at 1am and went to bed.  I laid there for awhile and finally fell back asleep.  This morning Kerry tells me he had a huge anxiety attack around midnight, got up to look for me, found me on the sofa, and let me sleep because I looked peaceful.  Ha.  That’s why I don’t want to take anything.  If I can’t wake up when someone needs me when I sleep naturally, I sure as hell won’t wake up if I took a sleep aide.   When Mary was little she would come and stand by my bed and stare at me in the middle of the night when she got scared.  She didn’t want to wake me.  After about 15 seconds of staring I would wake up.  Something about eyes piercing into my mind or else her breathing hard would wake me.  The point is, I WOKE UP.  I could wake at the sound of a mosquito, someone tip toeing down the hall, any little sound.  Whenever my babies needed me I was ready.

When I sleep now I hear NOTHING.  The ice maker used to wake me up, corn popping, microwave humming, dishwasher running (Danny is a night owl).  I don’t like not knowing what’s going on even when I’m sleeping.  Usually I can’t get to sleep.  I just lay there and toss and turn.

The other night while Julie was channel surfing the news popped up and described a house fire where three sisters died from smoke inhalation.  The new caster was actually interviewing the mother.  Unbelievable.  You could see shock stamped all over her face and body and yet they kept asking questions of her while showing the remains of the house behind her.  Everyone is different I realize but to loose three children at one time and still be able to talk and breathe is not in my universe of life.  I don’t know what caused the fire.  We changed the channel before getting any details.  I can’t stand knowing how someone else must feel and I can’t imagine what that mother is going through.

Take my hand
Move aside
See me run
Let me hide

Touch my heart
Tell me no
See my face
Let me go

I don’t wanna ever turn you loose
I don’t wanna ever reach the end
Give me something to hang on to for awhile
Cuz I’m gonna need another shot of your smile

I need you here
Need you to stay
Need you everywhere

Hug me tight
Into the night
See me cry
Watch me die

I don’t wanna ever turn you loose
I don’t wanna ever reach the end
Give me something to hang on to for awhile
Cuz I’m gonna need another shot of your smile

Please don’t go
I need to know
You’ll be here

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