Some day I'm going to start off this journal with "today has been and ok day". But not today. My nerves are scrunching up my neck and I can feel the weight of the world, my world, hanging over my head. I guess the days I'm breathing ok are the ones I don't write much.
Last weekend Danny, Amanda, and I went to Augusta for the Mustang Car Show and the Boshears Air Show. We left Saturday and it rained the entire ride over so the air show was rained out and we sat in the hotel room and waited for Sunday. The car club gave Danny's transplant fund $1,000 last April, even before they knew about Mary. He was chosen out of a group of people waiting on hearts who have funds. Then they asked him to be their special guest for the car show and pick the 4 "Best of Show" cars/trucks on Sunday. They told me all proceeds from the show will go to Danny. I cried. The first time since "before" I actually put a dab of mascara on and it all came dripping down my face. Thank goodness for sunglasses. Danny got to ride in the very first Mustang Fastback every made.
We got to go to the air show for an hour - it was right beside the car show so we saw most of it without being in the audience. It was awesome also.
Then Monday comes with the mail and rains on my smiles. Julie's divorce is getting bumpy and there's nothing I can do. I've had to accept the fact that there is nothing I could ever do for anything in my life, even when I thought I could or was. They say all you have control over is your attitude and right now, that's even out of my control. I couldn't tell you from one minute to the next if I'm going to breathe or break down. Lack of control is a very hard lesson to learn, kind of like learning to have patience. I guess the only thing I can REALLY control is who and what I love. It's mine to give to take away. That's all that matters.
Nicole came over last night and I went through Mary's things looking for her cold weather clothes. Some of them Nicole can wear, some were too small. They'll get used doing what Mary loved, playing in the outdoors. Tony and Nicole are heading to a little town near Denver for the winter.