Saturday, October 10, 2009

I Don't ...

I don't like the poems I write anymore.  I don't like the way I write them.  They are too much alike now, not the words but the meter or rhythm.  Like listening to someone sing different songs to the same tune.  So I will have to figure out a different way of writing.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid life now more than ever.  I've never been afraid of much other than spiders and drowning.  Mostly because I've had a nest of daddy long legs jump on me and I swallowed too much salt water at the beach.  Both happened when I was young and impressionable as opposed to be old and stoic.  Now I'm afraid of tomorrow, today, even yesterday.  Afraid life won't go on without Mary but really afraid it will.  I'm not supposed to worry about what might happen tomorrow, next week, next month.  "Don't cross that bridge till you get there because you might never get there."  I'm afraid the bridge won't be there.  I want to scream and punch something but I'm afraid if I start I won't be able to stop.  I'm afraid I will never forget 2am March 31st and yet I'm afraid I will.  It's quite the Catch 22.

I'm afraid to answer the phone when it rings and I used to be afraid of not answering it and missing a call that could be really important.  Kerry would always say "if it's important they'll call back".  I want Emory to call but every time they do call my heart jumps in my throat and it's always an appointment reminder.  But when the call finally does come it will mean someone, some family has, is going through what we went through.  I can't wish that on someone.  But I can't not hope for life for Danny.  It's a really horrible place to be sitting.

I'm afraid of going back to a full time job as if nothing has changed when the entire world has.  But I'm afraid if I don't the world will change again and not in a good way. But then, how could it get much worse that living each day without Mary.  Don't say it.  It could get worse and I'm afraid of that.  I can't see it getting better.

I'm afraid of living and dying at the same time.  I'm afraid of living the future and re-living the past.  I'm stuck somewhere between here and there and I don't know where they are.  I want to leave everything and everybody behind and run away but I'm afraid of letting them out of my sight lest I never see them again. Or they might never see me again.

It's been over six months since I last hugged Mary.

I don't want to feel you but I can't let go
I don't want to see you but I can't look away
It seems like yesterday was only last month
And tomorrow is an eternity's wait

The pain is unbearable but it's comforting to know
The hurt will remind me of what I'll never forget
Life will go on but I don't have to watch
Always has now turned into not yet.

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