Saturday, October 3, 2009

Sour Grapes

So, here it is 1:45 am Saturday morning. All day long I have seen or heard things that pin point reality, Mary's gone, and it takes my breath away each time.  It causes me to squeeze my eyes shut, scrunch up my shoulders, grit my teeth, and hold my breath until the pain is pushed way back.  But sometimes the tears leak out.  Thursday night I could feel my heart breaking right through my smiles.  Oct 1st marks 6 months without hearing Mary's voice, feeling her hugs, seeing her face.  Six long, agonizing, anxious, painful, screaming months.  I wanted to run and hide so many times from all the people having a good time.  Christine hit it on the head when she said after you finish smiling and "having fun", the emptiness is overwhelming.  The hollow part of your heart echos the memories that should bring happiness but are only sour grapes.  

Yes, I have many things I am trying to get into to keep me occupied.  Sometimes I can get submerged but more likely than not they seem to remind me that Mary's not here to do it with me.  We had such fun putting together her purses.  Doing that by myself is impossible even though I'd like to continue to make them some day.  I am going to force myself to do something tomorrow besides clean house. 

Now I'm back to working regular work hours. This should be interesting.

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