Monday, October 26, 2009

Just a phone call away

I read the journal entries of several different families as they go through the before and after transplant process with their children.  Other journals are just life in general with the problems and trauma’s in life .  For some the days have been good to them for some their life is constantly churning with issues and stress.  I would give anything to be one of the ones who are walking on the edge because it would mean Mary was with me no matter how bad the situation.  I almost said I would trade places with them but I would not trade places with anyone.  No one should know the path I walk, that my family walks.  More so because Mary’s death was so fu*^&% preventable.   I would not even trade places with her killer because I believe the only thing as bad as where I am is where he is or should be.  At least it it would be for someone who gives a damn about people.  It would also mean one of his children would be gone.  I wish that on NO one.  But I hope he is tormented to the day he dies with the knowledge of what he has done.

On the Compassionate Friends website people leave updates about themselves and those they lost.  So many of them say “I lost my child (any age) 7, 12, 18 (etc) years ago….  It is hard for me to grasp that many years going by without Mary beside me.  It’s hard to grasp 7 months coming up.  Time does not heal.  It just screws everything up to where I don’t know what’s coming or going.  Sometimes it gets me through the day, some times it doesn’t.  Tonight it didn’t.  I was watching a TV show, a musical.  The mother was singing about watching her child grow up and leave her.  Wondering if she would ever get her back.  Well, that sent me to the laundry room to finish washing clothes and cry on the floor.  I called Danny just to hear his voice.  Even as I sit here and write this the tears are blocking my vision like rain drops on a windshield.  Too bad I don’t have eye wipers.

Many of the parents from TCF group have found solace in contacting mediums or spiritual readers to contact their children.  They have “after life communications” with their children.  Believe me, I have considered it often although I haven’t acted on any suggestions from psychics.  Where are all the billions of people who have died since Adam and Eve?  Just a phone call away?  Do you need something special to talk to a loved one?  Wouldn’t everybody be standing in line at every mediums door begging to talk to someone?  Just a thought….  I want so badly to talk to and see Mary again that I think I could twist every leaf dropping, door opening, bird call at 3 am, ray of sunlight, rainbow overhead, etc… as a “sign” from her.  I don’t want to rely on signs other people tell me are my link to Mary.  I want to see her standing in front of me.  I know I will see her when I leave this earth.  But I want to see her now.  I don’t want to “think” I see or hear her.  I want to know.

So, for now, I’ll just get by as I have been for now.  She has gone away for awhile.  She’s still my sweetie and I’m still her mom and we still take care of each other.

I only need to hear your voice
Just for one moment
To remind me you’re still here
If only for now
I only need to see your smile
Just for one second
To remind me of your love
If only for now
But I still need to know that you’ll always be with me
No matter what happens at the end of the day
I only need to feel your touch
Just for one second
To know you will hug me tight
Forever and a day.

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