Saturday, May 29, 2010

The new me

What am I running away from that has to do with Mary.  This is the question from my counselor.  I have been thinking about this since my last visit.  I don't like to use past tense verbs when I talk about Mary.  I start to write them and then change them.   I don't go down to see her tree much.  I look at it from the window.  I really need to go down there to get rid of the weeds starting to grow and plant some grass and make it look better. I can look at pictures of her from afar but if I see her face clearly, it hurts and I start to choke, my heart starts to race, and I hold my breath. I do have pics of her on the dash of my car but they are from a distance.  If I start talking about Mary to someone I am fine.  If someone asks about her sometimes I can't even open my mouth to answer.   I avoid going to Hayesville even though Carol and Donnie are there.  We've only go when that man has a court appearance.  Next one is August and the big one is September.  When I am up there I avoid looking down the road we should be taking to go to Mary's.  I have never been back to her house.  

I wish there was something I could do to make that man's life miserable now. I hate to see him strutting around.    I hate more now than I ever have before.  Those TV shows that show a parent forgiving the person that hurt their child are crap.  I can't imagine forgiving anyone who hurts anyone in my family.  

I've tried "finding a new path" but it's not working.  I'm not going anywhere.  I haven't done anything positive since last year.  I feel like I've been going in circles.  I have completely given up doing anything with art.  Packed everything up.  Even when to Good Will today to drop stuff off and found two pair of pants and did NOT even look at the stuff I usually dig through.  Kinda wanted to but I just ignored the devil on my shoulder.  

I'm thinking I might start crocheting again. I like doing that.  Mary likes it.  Maybe if I started doing the things that we have in common again I can accomplish something.  Instead of running away from the good things I have to find the good things.  We both like gardening, cooking, and sewing.  I'm not sure I'm ready to make her purses but I have lots of material to make tops for Cindy and myself.  Cindy's sewing machine is here - Mary gave it to her for Christmas.  

I am avoiding doing my taxes.  I really, really need to do that.  I am avoiding painting the living room so I'm going to paint the hallway.  If I do the ceiling from the hall on it will make a smooth transition into the living room ceiling.  I have to finish it sometime.

I avoid telling myself "Mary would want this or that".  Because it is not really her talking.  It's just what I want to think she's saying. 

I do see things or places that I think Mary would like.  But that's not hard to say because it doesn't have a tense.  I say "if Mary were here she would..." usually for an action.  I always used to say that before anyway.   And, I avoid talking or thinking about that week last year.  It's always "before" or "after".  I refer to her memorial service as her Party.  Everyone seems to know what I'm talking about.  

My sister's granddaughter is getting married in June - the weekend after Mary's date.  I DO NOT LIKE TALKING ABOUT THAT.  It's in Virginia so we aren't going.  They are all so excited and happy and I feel badly that it hurts me so much to see them happy and excited.  

I have been cleaning out my closets and drawers and getting rid of things that have been sitting around for ages.  I have to do something to move myself or I'm going to rot sitting here.  If I can't make myself into something new and different I will analyze what I have left and see what can be salvaged.  I must look into myself to find me not outside.  I will be closer to Mary by being myself than by running from myself.  I don't have to be a new me, just a different me.

Now let's see how I'm going to feel a few months from now.

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