I don't know how to explain what changed today, last night, last week. I have packed up all my "art" stuff and put it away for awhile. Maybe forever, I just don't know. I just know it wasn't working like I had hoped it would. Maybe I'm just not the artist I thought I was or could be. Don't have the time or dedication or inclination or focus. It just wasn't working. It didn't feel right. I could see all sorts of things in my head but they never materialized.
So, I'm back to digging in the yard, "my garden", painting my walls and fixing up the house. I got up this morning and packed up everything on the pool table down stairs. Threw away stuff I would never use in a thousand years, cleaned out boxes, reorganized other stuff, washed clothes and dishes, made piles for Good Will. There is so much to be done around the house that I can't ignore it anymore. Mary is tapping me on the shoulder telling me to focus. If I don't go downstairs so much maybe I can focus.
I have to list the things that I have been avoiding because they remind me of Mary. Things I don't do, ignore, stay away from. On the other hand there are things I attach myself to because they are Mary. Her jewelry, clothes, pictures, belongings.