I've started making pages for the altered books I want to create. I am forcing myself to do something. Sometimes it looks cool and sometimes not so hot. But I keep on keeping on, one page at a time. I will focus on the action not on the accomplishment. Repetition gets me through the days. Even though there is no guarantee I will finish the page I'm working on, the movement of mind and matter reinforces the fact that life is continuing, with or without me.
I realized today that I have truly been able to compartmentalize my feelings. I am really two people meld into one. The first goes on about life as if Mary is away for awhile, on a trip, living in another state, etc. But my shadow shows up when I'm thinking about the facts. When I am confronted with reality. I can be sitting at my desk at work talking to my colleague's and the next minute I have to close my door because I can't keep from crying, it's hard to breathe, and I can't think straight. Sometimes catching a glimpse of an email from her, seeing a picture I didn't expect to see, someone asking me about her, seeing a really large truck driving at me is all I need for the split to happen.
I was watching Good Will Hunting last weekend for the 12th time at least. At one point Will and Sean are getting into it.
Will says, "Where's your "soul-mate?! Dead!
She dies and you just cash in your chips.
That's a fuckin' cop-out!
Sean says, "I been there. I played my hand.
Will says, "That's right. And you fuckin' lost! And some people would have the sack to lose a big hand like that and still come back and ante up again!"
I can't decided if this conversation needs to be part of my and Tony's life or not. It is sitting in the back of my mind. I used to think I knew how I would react to specific situations even through I tell people "you don't know what you'd do till you get there". It was a "do as I say not as I do" thing. Deep down part of me still believes that - since I feel I've been through hell and back - my hell, not someone else's. God help me if I have to go through this again. Tony is in Homer already. Got there today. New uncharted territory. Beautiful place but with a little cloud hanging over.