Wednesday, May 5, 2010

There's a shadow hanging over me...

Life is calm.  Gabe and Anna are in bed, Julie is downstairs getting them to sleep, and Cindy is watching TV with Papa for a few minutes.  Danny is camping out at Lake Russel with friends.  And I am writing and watching TV at the same time.  

I've started making pages for the altered books I want to create.  I am forcing myself to do something.  Sometimes it looks cool and sometimes not so hot.  But I keep on keeping on, one page at a time.  I will focus on the action not on the accomplishment.  Repetition gets me through the days.  Even though there is no guarantee I will finish the page I'm working on, the movement of mind and matter reinforces the fact that life is continuing, with or without me.

I realized today that I have truly been able to compartmentalize my feelings.  I am really two people meld into one.  The first goes on about life as if Mary is away for awhile, on a trip, living in another state, etc.  But my shadow shows up when I'm thinking about the facts.  When I am confronted with reality.  I can be sitting at my desk at work talking to my colleague's and the next minute I have to close my door because I can't keep from crying, it's hard to breathe, and I can't think straight. Sometimes catching a glimpse of an email from her, seeing a picture I didn't expect to see, someone asking me about her, seeing a really large truck driving at me is all I need for the split to happen. 

I was watching Good Will Hunting last weekend for the 12th time at least. At one point Will and Sean are getting into it. 

               Will says, "Where's your "soul-mate?! Dead! 
               She dies and you just cash in your chips. 
                That's a fuckin' cop-out! 
                Sean says, "I been there. I played my hand. 
                Will says, "That's right. And you fuckin' lost!  
                And some people would have the sack 
                to lose a big hand like that and 
                still come back and ante up again!"

I can't decided if this conversation needs to be part of my and Tony's life or not.  It is sitting in the back of my mind.  I used to think I knew how I would react to specific situations even through I tell people "you don't know what you'd do till you get there".  It was a "do as I say not as I do" thing. Deep down part of me still believes that - since I feel I've been through hell and back - my hell, not someone else's.  God help me if I have to go through this again.  Tony is in Homer already.  Got there today.  New uncharted territory.  Beautiful place but with a little cloud hanging over.

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