More and more

To continue with my list – I avoid romantic movies – they make me uncomfortable even watching for a few minutes.  They make me sad.  If I even see an advertisement for anything to do with a wedding, on TV or paper, it makes my stomach hurt. If someone starts talking about a wedding I turn away and change the subject.  I will probably keep Mary’s dress forever. 

I can’t get rid of any of Mary’s cookbooks I have in the kitchen even though I don’t use them.  Whenever I look at them I smile.  She loved to cook.  She loved most everything she did. 

I avoid going downstairs where all her stuff is.  When I have to get something I hurry. If I stop to look around I end up staying too long and it hurts. 

I hate the fact that when I’m at work I concentrate so hard on my work that I don’t even see Mary’s picture on my desk.  Makes me feel like I’m pushing Mary away when I finally realize I haven’t thought of her for more than 5 minutes.  I hate using the word “HER or SHE” instead of Mary.  It’s so impersonal.

Lately I’ve been NOT planning any parties and not thinking about the funds at UGA.  Just more reminders that Mary isn’t beside me. 

When Cindy talks about Mary, at 11 years old she has a much easier saying that Mary’s d..e..a..d than I will ever have.  I can’t even say the word.  I say she’s gone for awhile.

As the world around me goes on it drags me with it.  I laugh, I play, I go to movies, garden, clean house, paint.  I do all the normal things but with every second that slips by my heart is heavy with sadness.  Sometimes people can see it, sometimes not.

That man was seen pumping gas into a brand new car yesterday.  The mere fact that he is walking around makes me physically sick.  Wish I had seen him – I do believe I would have slashed his tires if I’d had the time.  I avoid thinking of him as much as I can because he makes me feel evil when I think of all things I’d like to do to him.  I don’t think I am a vengeful violent person but I am turning in to one in my mind.  The more I think about what I’d do to him the easier it becomes to keep seeing myself doing it and then I realize I’d be no better than he is.