Monday, May 10, 2010

Happy's not happy anymore.

I know if I don't write this now I'll never get the chance.  Today is Mother's Day.  We had the kids all weekend.  They made cards for Julie and pictures.  Couldn't wait for today so they gave them to her Friday night and yesterday. Today she took them to a movie and Mc D's.  

I feel very wishy washy.  This weekend I don't want to do anything with art and wish I could box it all up.  Each day I go back and forth.  So this weekend I decided to get all my "stuff" out of Kerry's room and straighten up the bookcase under the TV in our bedroom.  We put the headboard on Cindy's bed and moved some things around.  Kerry roto-tilled the flower garden spot and planted my bushes.  I cleaned up the garage a little and painted the dresser. Had to do something to feel like I'm getting things done.  

I started picking up my stuff down stairs and sorting it into boxes to neaten up the pool table.  Got most of it looking better.  Then I walked up stairs and found a bouquet of flowers on the table with a card.  I thought it was from Julie.  I opened the card and it said "love Mary".  Instant tears.  Kerry got them for me.  I couldn't stop but I didn't want to breakdown in front of the kids.  I told Anna the flowers were from Mary and she said "Mary's dead. A prison man killed her."  I told her Mary lives in my heart and she said, "Yes, she's in my heart."  I wonder how much she'll remember when she gets older.  Mary's picture is all over the house and we talk about her all the time.  She accidentally broke a necklace that Mary gave her and she cried. So, she remembers some things.  

Heart Support group is tomorrow night.  I go even though they don't seem to be able to keep is non-religious.  But, you can't change people.  Wendy understands but I told her not to worry.  If it bugs me enough I'll say something.

Have a good Mother's day.

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