Wednesday, March 31, 2010

March 31st 2010 - one year later.

Danny left last night to go to Helen to camp with his friends.  I went to work today but I'm taking the next two days off.  Kerry went to work.  We both get Friday off.  Julie has the kids and is trying to get rid of her cold. 

Last night friends wrote on Mary's facebook wall. This morning a friend sent me a text message. A few more sent me emails. If others remembered they didn't say anything.  Did they forget or just didn't know what to say?  Do I want lots and lots of people telling me they're thinking of us?  I want the whole world to stop and Mary to come back.  I want justice my way.  I want time to go backwards.

Does it hurt that not many people remember what this week is or this day?  A little but it didn't affect them like it did me and mine.  Other people's tragedies in the past didn't have long lasting effects on me either.  They may now.  Why is it that you don't learn something until it happens to you  -  "it takes one to know one"?  

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to feel.  I don't know what to say.  I'm tired of always trying NOT to cry.  Any second of any day I could fill a tub with tears.

Tony, you are in so much pain and there is nothing I can do for you because I can't do anything for myself. So we sit here tonight sending text messages to each other - remembering what we've lost. He's alone with the doggies and I'm with Julie.  Kerry is sleeping.  

I hate being called "strong".  If I was weak would Mary still be here?  But I have to be "strong" or some such word for Tony.  Mary would want me to take care of him. 

It's 1:32 am.  This is the time (I think) the door bell rang.  I can't be sure. Although my memories are unclear some things are etched like cuts in a diamond into my brain.  Some are seared like a branding iron into my heart. Other unimportant pieces of life have faded away.

I must choose to ignore the pain or tuck it away until I can handle it later. Sometimes I act and look like life is great and all is well.  Sometimes I even fool myself for a few minutes.


  1. Rose, check out my blog which I posted yesterday. No one who knows you & Mary have forgotten. Just like you said, some do not know what to say. I love you, my friend. Wish I could bring Mary back and take away your pain and hurt.

  2. I love you Rose! I ache with you, I pretend with you, I hurt with you, I relive days and moments and events and last times with you...

    We're going to use one of Mary's name suggestions for The Live On Foundation - Organation. It will be a tagline or a theme or something.

    Long live Mary and Long Live Rachael!!