Tonight has been hard. Every where I turn memories drown me. Just in passing conversations she keeps popping up. Chris made a video of "old times" (he's only 26-27) and Mary is in it smiling her beautiful smile. I went to Emory for pre-admissions testing and didn't have Mary to call. Watched a few minutes of a show about "transplants". One was a 25 yr old man, just married, who got a bone marrow transplant. He was lamenting the fact that it shouldn't be like this, not fair, he and his wife haven't had a chance to have a life together. I left after that sentence. Danny said he didn't know if he could go through what that guy was - sitting in a hospital room for up to 30 days waiting to see if the transplant took. Either it worked or he only has 30 days left to live. He said "at least I'm not thinking about only having 30 days left". I said, "you never know what you can do until it happens". I hate those words. Got an email from our lawyers saying the other insurance company wants to pay us for Mary's car. All I have to do is sign some papers.
I keep checking out art books (painting, collage, journals,etc) from the library trying to figure out what I want to do with my time. I keep collecting "things" to make "mixed media" art work. I have no freakin' idea what I'm doing. I have visions or images in my mind of what I want to create just can't do it. Need to start crocheting again I guess.
I wish there really was a crew of people like in Leverage. I'd hire them in a second to make things right. If only they could rewind time.
Found a new TV show. "Justified" - as any action should be.
In January my pacemaker was pacing the upper chambers at 40%. Now it's pacing at 70%. What does that mean? Just one more thing to be patient about. .