save me

It's been exactly one year since I last said bye to Mary.  We were planning on me going up to see her next weekend to continue planning for her wedding.  I feel physically sick to my stomach looking forward now knowing what happened and not being able to stop it.... now or back then.  Will each year be this hard?  Will each year feel like I'm cutting my heart out as I take each step going on each day.  I hate taking a breath knowing she's not.  I hate looking at flowers, stars, trees, smiles, everything knowing she can't.   I hate that man so much I can feel it in every pore of my body. 

I have been miserable this year faking my way through life, watching her trial being pushed of day by day, knowing that man is walking around enjoying life.  Even if he isn't "happy" he is ALIVE.  He is breathing.  And I know even if he wasn't, it wouldn't make any difference to having Mary back but I would hope it would make a little difference.  Maybe not but I'll never know.

I have sat in this chair for about 12 hours now doing nothing worthwhile.  Just watching the minutes tick by until it was time for Mary and Danny to leave.  NOTHING.  Tomorrow night is going to be hell.  I won't sleep, I'll just know.