Hallow's Eve

It is Halloween. 

I have been ruminating lately.  So many things rolling in my head it feels like a rock polisher.  I think I used to write so much because I couldn't think properly.  Couldn't formulate ideas that were trying to form. As my facebook quote says: 

I do not sit down at my desk to put into verse something that is already clear in my mind. If it were clear in my mind, I should have no incentive or need to write about it. We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.

The fog is fading slightly and I am able to rest more.  I'm starting to do more things that I couldn't do just a few months ago.  My living room and dinning room is 98% finished painting.  I didn't think I'd ever get that done.  I couldn't paint it without Mary because I felt guilty doing something she and I were going to finish together.  Now I can finish it even though I still feel guilty.  It's just a dull guilt because I am talking to Mary more.  Or rather she is talking to me.  Telling me it's ok or it'll be alright to do this or that.

Tony came to town, spent a week, got the doggies and headed back to Alaska.  He looked healthy.  Still has those sad downcast eyes over the smiling face.  But he is living each day as best he can.  He went to Chilkat Lake in Haines to be with Mary one more time.  Don't know when I'll see him again now that he has the doggies.

I am still walking along that long, long endless beach.  I think I'm walking up and down the coast.  Some days when I'm close to the spot where Mary is I am wrenched back into the pain of the first day.  I cry but mostly at night.  Eventually I fall asleep and walk past it.  The farther away I get the calmer the skies get and the surf quiets.  I can see fragments of my past life that I couldn't before.  They are deformed and broken but they are still part of me and I pick them up.  I am trying to put some of the together like a jigsaw puzzle but it's going to take awhile.  They don't look like they used to.  Some pieces I have to throw into the ocean.  They will never be part of anything again so why torture myself trying to figure them out.  These are like little pieces of shattered glass from a large colored window.  When glass is heated it melts but when it's heated and part of an explosion the little pieces don't fit together quite the same.  And it takes a very long time to put them all back.

I had not seen these little shards until a few months ago.  Maybe right after they called Danny for the heart he didn't get.   I realized a lot of things.  I can't keep having Mary's parties - way too painful.  I can't expect everyone to miss her like I do - they just will never forget her.  They will remember her in their own way. I remembered that I still need to try to not hold on so tight to Julie and Danny.  They need their space as I do.  I still hold on to Kerry.  I remember what it felt like to look forward to something - to be excited.  Too bad he didn't get his heart that day.  He will one day and I will be excited again.  But I learned I can be excited about life.   I learned there are new happenings on the horizon.  One occurred when Danny took me to the hospital and I was the patient.  He understood what I feel when he's the patient.  Mary had been there before but not Danny.

I asked myself "Am I learning to move on?"  No, not really. I'm learning a new way of living.  Everything I once thought about how others coped with the lose of a child or spouse has entirely changed.  No one really understands unless it happens to you.  Which is true about most things.  I think about Granny Davis who lost 2 children and wonder how she made it to 80.  She never told me about them.  My sisters did.  I wonder about so many other people I have known and never understood them.

No, I'm not moving on or getting on with my life.  I am creating a whole new approach to it.  With a little help from my friends....(actually a lot of help).

Will write more later.

Are we going to make it?

Are we going to make it?
What will it take to survive?

We hold on to each other
Afraid of letting go

Thinking of the things that could have been
Crying for why they're not

We are remembering, remembering
little things that make us smile
two friends whose daughters never met
now walk together forever in style

Walking forward for our families
looking back for memories 
we share our stories over again
grasping for some peace

Christine and I had dinner together at our little mexican place. We've been there several times just to meet and eat and talk about our children - all of them - We meet in many places every month or so, whenever the need for each other is great.


I think I've finally figured out why I can't go to the Compassionate Friends meetings or at least why I feel uncomfortable there.  Christine and I can share stories, we are part of each others lives.  We may not have a long history but some of our experiences we have shared together.  Those at TCF share a common experience but not together.  It's why we need people who know Mary and Rachael to keep telling us about their experiences with them.  Don't be afraid to talk about our girls because you think it will hurt us.  It doesn't, it makes us happy, ecstatic, alive to know they haven't been forgotten.  Not that we'd think you could ever forget them.  We just love to hear the stories.  Yes, we may cry but these are tears of love and laughter and joy because we are sharing them with the world.  Our tears of pain and hurt will be put off till later. 


I know TCF are a mainstay and a welcome shelter for many people.  I commend them for opening their hearts to others who are hurting.  But everyone is different.  Their combined pain is too great for me right now.  Maybe some day later. 

In my last entry it sounded like I said Mary's friends aren't mine and I didn't mean the way it came out.  They are mine NOW but I would much rather have her here with her friends than to have her friends here without her.  I know they would rather have her here too.  But I love them dearly, wherever they are because they are a part of her life.  They make her who she is.  The love of my life.  My whole family is the love of my life.

Nothing much happened in court this month.  We are waiting to see if this continuance to Dec 6th will be the actual trial or not.  Waiting, waiting to hurry up and wait.  Next court date is Nov 4th but it's for his ticket.  The more I wait the more I hate.... and the more I love those I need.

Here we go again

I went to my heart support group meeting after we got back from court.  The surgeon who will probably do Danny's transplant was a guest speaker.  We had a big group because of him.  People I had never met were there.  One man was also on the list again with the same problem as Danny but not for as long. One lady just got her heart 2 months ago. 

After Dr Vega left we talked about life things we were facing.  I usually don't like to bring up my life because I'll start crying no matter if I talk about Mary or Danny.  I hate crying.  But I was a little out of sorts with the results of the day so it sort of flooded out of me.  I didn't realize how many more tears I have inside that haven't come out.  I could have gone on for hours but they have their lives to live. I was really surprised at my self.  Guess I have a long way to go.


One friend there was close to the boy who died last August.  She said her calendar reminded her to call him on the anniversary of his heart day.  She has had her heart for 2 1/2 years. They were in the hospital together waiting.  But she said something interesting.  "His mother still talks about him as if he were still here".  That seemed to bother her.  "It's been awhile, shouldn't she be getting better?"   I think that's what started me on my water works.  But that was neither the time nor place to address that question. 

All those people, my friends, who have someone else's heart inside them have their own demons to conquer.  Danny included.  I hope I will never walk down their path but I'm in awe of each and everyone.  I have no business adding to their stress level.  I usually don't but this time I couldn't help it.


I still have visions of Mary in the crash.  Haven't figured out how to get by those.  It is reality.

Random Love

I really don't like writing anymore.  I can think of Mary in my mind more easily.  If it's a good thought there is no problem.  If it's a painful thought I can turn it off, ignore it and go on to something else a lot easier than if I'm writing about it.  So I force myself now to write this.  

I have realized that I am trying to live through Mary by being her.  I wear her shoes, some of her clothes, jewelry.  I am was getting down to her weight but haven't made it.  I've gained a few pounds because now my jaw doesn't hurt as much and I actually have an appetite.  I talk to Tony and imagine that Mary is somewhere with him. 

I made friends with many of Mary's friends. But many of those friends have moved away or moved on with their lives.  I have expected nothing less but it is still uncomfortable.  But I know under normal circumstances I would not be this close with her friends.  After all, they are her friends, not mine.  They are years younger, as well they should be.  We only have Mary in common.

I am smiling more lately.  Not sure why.  Danny noticed, not me.  

I can't do the fund raisers for Mary's funds anymore.  I don't know how I did the two that I did.  The third was Bonnie's and all of her visions for doing the same thing this year have never been mentioned. I don't know if I will be able to complete the scholarship funds either.  But I do have 4 more years.  We'll see.  I shouldn't have taken it on so soon after she left.  But I was grasping at straws.

Everything around the outside of my house has changed since last year and is still changing.  I'm helping them change too.  I guess this is good since it is for the better.  The inside of my house is slowly evolving but I still have all of Mary's pictures and stuff all over the house.

I found a friend from 30 years ago on facebook.  She and her husband came to our house for dinner one nite and we are going to theirs.  We still have a lot in common. Found another friend also but she hasn't actually talked to me.  Am I going backward in time on purpose?

I'm working longer hours than I have in months past.  Sometimes I want to sometimes it just happens.  But I still don't work at home more than 2 hours a month when I know I could get so much done if I did. 

Next Monday is the court date for Mary's case.  I'm still nervous about them filing motions to suppress evidence.  No, actually I am REALLY worried even though the DA said not to be.  

Danny's checkup was fine last week.  This weekend was a holiday and they did do a transplant yesterday.  But not Danny's.  

I'm tired of trying to do so many activities I used to want to do for to keep from feeling guilty that I don't or haven't done them.  I do want to give back, I'm just so tired, and a little aimless.  I just want to sit and vegetate for awhile.  Figure out myself.  No one is pushing me but myself and I'm trying to stop.

If life is so very random, how do you explain love.

I am jealous

Do you know how hard it is to wake up each morning knowing Mary is gone and she was not able to help anybody else on the transplant list.  Something she talked about and thought about all the time. All the time I see stories about beautiful young lives lost that gave of themselves to help others live.  I blame him.  He killed not only Mary and our lives but as many as 8 other people who could have been saved by Mary.  Maybe more with tissues and such.  I see those families so happy (if you can be) in the knowledge that some part of their loved one is walking around this earth.  I am so freakin' jealous I can't stand it.  

And I just said jealous.  Maybe jealous isn't the word....  empty, heart broken, sad....  if I had any chance of seeing anything come out of this ridiculously cruel situation it would be to see something of her or know some part of her is still walking this earth helping someone else.

Talked to the DA today.  No trial in Sept. Just another 5 minute court date to postpone again.  His lawyer has filed motions to suppress the blood test taken at the scene and anything he said at the scene. The DA can't get the blood test taken at the TN hospital because of HIPPA.  Sept 13th will be a continuance till Dec or February.  We just might make that 2 year wait date.


Something in me is changing again.  It maybe my disposition.

I wish I understood myself

Went to work last Thursday with a good pacemaker and came home with a broken one.  It was supposed to last 20 more months.  But then nothing is as it should be anymore.  My surgery for replacement is tomorrow morning.  Danny is taking me down.  This time he'll be the "family member" - a new experience for him. 

Soooo... last Sunday I did what I haven't done in since Mary left. I got a pedicure and manicure.  The manicure I got talked into but it looks nice even though I don't have any nails.  I haven't gone to the nail place because it felt like I was enjoying life when I didn't want to nor should be.  But I went anyway.  I went to the same place Mary and Julie and I go.  Didn't have much fun but my feet needed the attention.  I sat there reprimanding myself for going but couldn't for the life of me figure out why I wanted to go.  The ladies started the idle chit chat you have with someone whose feet you are massaging.  "Do you live far from here?, Do you want sea salt? I remember you from a long time ago.  Do you have any children?"  That one stopped me.  I said yes, I have 3 and I named them with their ages.  But I didn't tell her about Mary.  Partly because I didn't want everyone saying "oh, you poor thing", and partly because I didn't want to burst into tears.  

The closer the trial comes, the more wound is widened.  Too bad for him it will never heal.

Ok - back to the nail place.  I wish I understood why I went there.  I have been avoiding it on purpose.  I know the owner and I'm sure he feels like I don't like him anymore.  I talk to him when I see him and I do think he's a really nice guy.  One day I can explain maybe.  My best guess is that it makes me feel like I've gone back in time before anything happened.  You'd think I'd want that feeling but I don't.  I want that feeling to be REAL but since it isn't I can't pretend. If other people talk about Mary it makes me cry but when I talk about her it's easier.  Haven't figured that out yet.  Maybe because it's on my terms. 

Getting my pacemaker changed always scared me a little.  But this time not so much.  If anything happens I'll get to see Mary.  But, I would leave all the rest of the people I love and I don't want that.  I want both. Let's just face it. I want my Mary back. 

I found a lady on FB who has written a book or books about facing death and coming out ahead.  About how strong you are when you have been through the unbelievable. "Becoming Bigger than Our Pain" is the name.  She lost two children, around age 2, seven years apart.   Everybody's story is different, everybody's pain is unbearable.


It's not that I don't enjoy things in my life, I just do it with a rain cloud over head.  Sometimes it's a thunderhead and sometimes it's a haze, but it's always there.  I don't know how to blow it away.  Don't know if I want to blow it away.


I didn't have Mary to call to tell her about my pacemaker.  So I called Tony.  He understood.


Now why did I get a pedicure when the whole time I felt guilty getting it?  I haven't a f....ing clue.

Too many questions

Last Thursday I found out that another transplant recipient has left us.  I say another because there have been others in the past year.  For many different reasons they are gone but most have to do with their heart.  This person was 2 years younger than Danny.  One minute he was talking to the paramedics and then next he was gone.  Just like that.  

You wouldn't believe the questions going around in my head.  Here goes...  Should his family look on the bright side and be thankful for the 3 extra years he lived after his transplant or be pissed this happened? After all life seems to be a second to second process.  Do I worry about Danny? Every second of every day.  Do I get tired of worrying? Every second of every day.  Do I wish it would all go away?  Yes, but that won't make it so. Does it help to worry? Not much but I can't turn it off.  Is this because I have the ability to love or that I care about my fellow man?  How can a person not have a conscience?  How can a living breathing "human being" hurt anything living and breathing?  I don't know but they sure can.  Is this free will?  If god doesn't stop bad things from happening then how can he be "watching" over us and taking care of us?  I think he's just watching.  Wonder what he thinks of his creations.  And, no, you don't know what he thinks no matter what other people tell you.  Maybe I'd be better off or happier if had a IQ of 87 or lower.  When I worked with mentally challenged kids they all seemed to be so happy with who they were, no worries. What you don't know can't hurt you? Maybe they just let others worry for them.  Maybe they are smarter than I think.  But I don't want to give up what I have in life.

Each one of the thoughts above could generate it's own book.  Every person probably has thoughts just like this all the time.  Why do I have the urge to put it on paper?  Why do I try to comb out this tangled mess of random thoughts? 

Add all this to the thoughts of Mary all day long and my brain gets fried.  Why Mary?  Why not me? Is life that random?  Does this show that there is no "pattern" to life? Do those people who tell you "there is a reason why things happen, you just can't see it yet.  God is in control." say that just to make you feel better when shit happens?  If someone else is in control then you have someone to blame or rather you don't have to blame yourself.  You don't have to take responsibility for your life.  Well that just sucks. 

I found a post by an evangelist who couldn't understand why all the prayers for his wife's cancer wasn't healing her.  He said he finally realized that not all prayers are answered.  Ya think???


And this is the tip of the "crazies" iceberg.