I wish I understood myself

Went to work last Thursday with a good pacemaker and came home with a broken one.  It was supposed to last 20 more months.  But then nothing is as it should be anymore.  My surgery for replacement is tomorrow morning.  Danny is taking me down.  This time he'll be the "family member" - a new experience for him. 

Soooo... last Sunday I did what I haven't done in since Mary left. I got a pedicure and manicure.  The manicure I got talked into but it looks nice even though I don't have any nails.  I haven't gone to the nail place because it felt like I was enjoying life when I didn't want to nor should be.  But I went anyway.  I went to the same place Mary and Julie and I go.  Didn't have much fun but my feet needed the attention.  I sat there reprimanding myself for going but couldn't for the life of me figure out why I wanted to go.  The ladies started the idle chit chat you have with someone whose feet you are massaging.  "Do you live far from here?, Do you want sea salt? I remember you from a long time ago.  Do you have any children?"  That one stopped me.  I said yes, I have 3 and I named them with their ages.  But I didn't tell her about Mary.  Partly because I didn't want everyone saying "oh, you poor thing", and partly because I didn't want to burst into tears.  

The closer the trial comes, the more wound is widened.  Too bad for him it will never heal.

Ok - back to the nail place.  I wish I understood why I went there.  I have been avoiding it on purpose.  I know the owner and I'm sure he feels like I don't like him anymore.  I talk to him when I see him and I do think he's a really nice guy.  One day I can explain maybe.  My best guess is that it makes me feel like I've gone back in time before anything happened.  You'd think I'd want that feeling but I don't.  I want that feeling to be REAL but since it isn't I can't pretend. If other people talk about Mary it makes me cry but when I talk about her it's easier.  Haven't figured that out yet.  Maybe because it's on my terms. 

Getting my pacemaker changed always scared me a little.  But this time not so much.  If anything happens I'll get to see Mary.  But, I would leave all the rest of the people I love and I don't want that.  I want both. Let's just face it. I want my Mary back. 

I found a lady on FB who has written a book or books about facing death and coming out ahead.  About how strong you are when you have been through the unbelievable. "Becoming Bigger than Our Pain" is the name.  She lost two children, around age 2, seven years apart.   Everybody's story is different, everybody's pain is unbearable.


It's not that I don't enjoy things in my life, I just do it with a rain cloud over head.  Sometimes it's a thunderhead and sometimes it's a haze, but it's always there.  I don't know how to blow it away.  Don't know if I want to blow it away.


I didn't have Mary to call to tell her about my pacemaker.  So I called Tony.  He understood.


Now why did I get a pedicure when the whole time I felt guilty getting it?  I haven't a f....ing clue.