Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Here we go again

I went to my heart support group meeting after we got back from court.  The surgeon who will probably do Danny's transplant was a guest speaker.  We had a big group because of him.  People I had never met were there.  One man was also on the list again with the same problem as Danny but not for as long. One lady just got her heart 2 months ago. 

After Dr Vega left we talked about life things we were facing.  I usually don't like to bring up my life because I'll start crying no matter if I talk about Mary or Danny.  I hate crying.  But I was a little out of sorts with the results of the day so it sort of flooded out of me.  I didn't realize how many more tears I have inside that haven't come out.  I could have gone on for hours but they have their lives to live. I was really surprised at my self.  Guess I have a long way to go.

One friend there was close to the boy who died last August.  She said her calendar reminded her to call him on the anniversary of his heart day.  She has had her heart for 2 1/2 years. They were in the hospital together waiting.  But she said something interesting.  "His mother still talks about him as if he were still here".  That seemed to bother her.  "It's been awhile, shouldn't she be getting better?"   I think that's what started me on my water works.  But that was neither the time nor place to address that question. 

All those people, my friends, who have someone else's heart inside them have their own demons to conquer.  Danny included.  I hope I will never walk down their path but I'm in awe of each and everyone.  I have no business adding to their stress level.  I usually don't but this time I couldn't help it.

I still have visions of Mary in the crash.  Haven't figured out how to get by those.  It is reality.

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